BEST OF THE WEEK

Nike has decided to stand by Tiger Woods, since he's been so loyal to Nike’s slogan. The Woods scandal will probably increase Nike sales, since he's finally doing something teenage boys want to do too. "Golf? No thanks. Tons of hot mistresses? Get me those sneakers."

President Obama said making houses more energy efficient is “sexy”. Which makes me happy for Home Depot and sorry for Michelle. “Hey baby, let’s get naked and put up storm windows.”

A new study says baby-faced people live longer, but only if they survive the beatings in high school. However, scientists emphasized that Botox doesn’t count.

A new study says people drink more than they think. For example, the average person has 1.8 drinks per hour, but only 1.4 thoughts.

Today, after finally securing the 60th vote for healthcare reform, Washington DC had its largest ever one-day snowjob, I mean, snowfall. In order to appease Hollywood Democrats, the bill (true) dropped a tax on cosmetic surgery. But the victory was short-lived, because (true) a new tax was added for tanning salons.

Many Guantanamo inmates are being transferred to a prison in Illinois. The maximum security facility was originally designed to hold Illinois’s ex-politicians.

A new report says the Postal Service spent $792,022 on unauthorized gourmet meals. But you know, they always have good food at wakes.

A man in Washington DC pulled a gun during a snowball fight. Although in his defense, I might have too.

Tiger Woods’s wife is moving out of their house. Which means one thing – holiday bachelor pad! And by “bachelor pad”, I use the normal definition – lots of masturbation and internet porn.

Senator Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a bitch after she made him turn off his cell phone. Other passengers were also upset, because it meant Schumer was more likely to talk to them.

Stephen King paid for several troops to visit their families over the holidays. And most of the families were very surprised to see their great-great-grandfathers shambling home in rotting Civil War uniforms.

Eritrea’s government will cut spending by not buying any more round-trip tickets for its soccer team. And this is the third time! I see young Eritreans playing soccer in the streets, eyes full of hope, dreaming of a day when they too can defect from their country.

Hugh Grant said about his co-star Sarah Jessica Parker: “I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. You can put anything in front of her and it’s gone in four seconds.” Yes, that‘s how starving people eat.