1. Gatorade has dropped a special Tiger Woods sports drink. But considering what he apparently gets done while still winning tournaments, I’d say he’s the perfect sponsor for a stamina drink.
2. The soap opera “As the World Turns” has gone off the air, after pressure from the Flat Earth Society, which claims the world does not, in fact, turn.
3. A new study says coffee doesn’t sober people up, but merely puts them in a state of alert drunkenness. This is also known as “Red Bull and Vodka Oh-My-God-Why-Hasn’t-He-Passed-Out-Yet Syndrome”.
4. The feds announced that fewer people are changing residence today than any time since World War II, and they would also like to deeply apologize again for putting Japanese Americans in internment camps.
5. Facebook is announcing new privacy options, allowing posts to be seen by “only friends”, “friends of friends”, or “friends with benefits”. So finally, you can accept that friend request from your grandma without fear.
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