1. Scientists in San Diego have discovered a pill that helps laboratory mice lose weight without exercise. And no, you can’t leave to go down there until the show is over. But man, this is good news. I have been worried about this fat mouse epidemic for so long. Fat mice have a much higher risk of diseases that can shorten their lifespans, like “getting eaten by cats”. Scientists say the pill might eventually help people with medical conditions that keep them from exercising, like being American.
2. The mayor of LA is trying to pass some tough new anti-paparazzi laws, but I think some of the laws might be going too far. Here, watch this. [Show video of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Alter the video so that Pitt seems to be taking a snapshot of his babies, then have a bodyguard give him a full-body tackle.]
3. The governor of Washington was turned away from a bar when she didn’t have any ID on her. Then, even worse, her husband got arrested for dating a minor.
4. Well, the price of oil has seriously dropped in the last couple weeks. It’s down to $124 per barrel after rising to almost $150. Now, this might seem like good news, until you realize it’s because no one can afford to buy oil anymore! “Oil? Honey, isn’t that the stuff we bought when we still had houses?”
5. A collection of Harry Potter fairy tales is going to be sold to raise money for charity. One of the fairy tales is about how a mysterious all-powerful wizard created the world in about a week, but he had a serious problem with anger management and kept abusing and killing the people he made. Then, in another fairy tale, the wizard’s son tries to save the world from its own problems, but the people kill him. So then the wizard goes on killing and tormenting everyone. Oh, J.K. Rowling has such a crazy imagination!
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