1. California is now the first state to ban trans-fat. That means fat people won’t even be allowed to pass through the state. However, President Bush said that Amtrak should be able to serve whatever it wants. Then an aide told him that would be “trains-fat”.
2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”
3. Some scientists now say that tests on hairs supposedly from a yeti, the abominable snowman, have proven inconclusive. They don’t know what kind of animal the hairs are from. Although they do have a striking resemblance to hairs from Russell Crowe.
4. An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.
5. A new memo released from the Bush Administration shows that they decided that torture was okay as long as the torturer honestly didn’t believe that he was causing serious harm. This is why they would always have the janitor do it. “Hey you, come here and press this button. Yeah, it turns on the air conditioning.”
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