BEST OF THE WEEK

At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.

The government has now traced a salmonella outbreak to fresh jalapeno peppers. Some of the symptoms of salmonella are abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea -- you know, some people just get that from jalapeno peppers.

A new study shows that the media gives more coverage to Obama than McCain. However, they later learned it was just that more McCain supporters fall asleep before the news comes on.

Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…

The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.

Today, President Bush tried to explain the financial crisis by saying: “Wall Street got drunk.” Yes, and he would certainly know about getting drunk. Bush then continued: “The question is, how long will it sober up and try not to do all these fancy financial instruments?” Hmm, I’ve got an answer for when Wall Street will stop doing all these fancy financial instruments -- when you stop letting it do them! That’s your job! It’s like you’re the bouncer at a club going: “Geez, when are these people going to stop fighting? Somebody should really do something about this.” Bush also said the First Lady is looking for a house in Houston, which is one of the only cities in the entire nation where housing prices are going up. And this man is in charge of our nation’s economy.

In France, the government will now allow employees to work more than 35 hours a week. Most French were working hard to keep the 35-hour week, but strangely, the other side was working harder.

Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.

A new study says that loud bar music makes customers drink more, so some people want bars to lower the volume. Are they aware of how bars make money? “You know that thing you do that makes people buy more of what you’re selling? We’d like you to stop doing that.”

Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”

Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…

Air Force generals have been using counterterrorism funds to build luxury airplanes, because one of the terrorists’ biggest weapons has always been bad interior decorating. If we don’t have Italian leather chairs, the terrorists have won! Are the guys who designed the seats in coach going to be on the Terrorist Watch List now?