BEST OF THE WEEK

Yesterday, a dead woman was found in a restroom on an airliner. No one knows for sure how she died on the flight, but police think she may have starved to death.

A new study says that eating lots of soy food, like tofu, can severely reduce sperm count. Yeah, that explains why population growth has always been so hard for the Chinese.

A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.



Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.

Richard Branson has unveiled a plan to fly people into outer space. The way it works is that a plane brings people into the upper atmosphere, where they’re met by Branson’s ego. His ego, which is not affected by gravity, then pulls the ship into outer space.

Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.

There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.

Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.

Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.

California is now the first state to ban trans-fat. That means fat people won’t even be allowed to pass through the state. However, President Bush said that Amtrak should be able to serve whatever it wants. Then an aide told him that would be “trains-fat”.

A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”

An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.