BEST OF THE WEEK

In South Africa, people are trying to legalize prostitution for the World Cup soccer tournament. But maybe they should pay the players more, so they don’t have to earn money that way.

After getting hit by a car in Australia, a koala hung on for seven miles before someone spotted it. And it wasn’t hurt! But that’s not what surprised me. What surprised me was that the koala is being treated for the clap (true). Which makes me wonder a few things. One, what the hell was the car owner doing with that car so the koala got the clap? Two, why are animal clinics checking for STDs? Three, does this happen a lot in Australia? Maybe they need more women.

Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?

Angelina Jolie’s father, John Voight, said that he is “just as excited as everyone else” about Jolie’s twins. Isn’t that a weird thing for a grandfather to say? Since 99% of the world’s population doesn’t care, if you took an average of everyone, his excitement would be almost zero.

A judge ruled today that YouTube doesn’t have to hand over user IDs to Viacom, but it still has to give our search histories. Great. Viacom says it can’t tell who the users are, but when you have a user history that combines “Mt. Carmel church picnic Hoboken” and “XXX tranny dwarves”, the options of who it might be get kind of small. I think Viacom stands for “Violate our Computers”.

Today, both presidential candidates spoke to the Latino civil rights group known as La Raza, in celebration of Let’s Pretend to Speak Spanish Day.

Scientists in Japan are trying to make fuel out of coffee grounds. Maybe this is how to get Starbucks out of it’s slump! A lot of people think Starbucks tastes like oil already. Plus, a grande latte is already cheaper than a gallon of gas. This way, your car can keep going all night long! It might shake a bit though.

A man in Italy was denied his driver’s license because he’s gay. They said that it might affect his driving. Really? I’ve been to Italy -- are they afraid he’ll actually stop at signs and obey the speed limit? “If this guy follows the speed limit, other cars would keep running into him!”

Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.

China has banned dog meat from official Olympic restaurants, in order to avoid offending foreign visitors. Now if only they’d avoid offending foreign visitors by not shooting Tibetans.

Barack Obama was at a pecan festival yesterday and his staff made a little diorama with pecans on strings. They’re very good at it, since most of them were still turning in dioramas for grades last year. However, some people thought the pecans and strings weren’t very presidential. For example, Jesse Jackson had this to say:



But some people misinterpreted that statement! Is Jesse Jackson going crazy? Is he pulling a Pat Robertson on us? Or has he always been this way?



Oh yeah. Proof yet again that even really good people sometimes say crazy stupid shit. Jackson apologized to the Obama camp, explaining that it was just his way of reconciling with the Clintons.