7/11

1. China has banned dog meat from official Olympic restaurants, in order to avoid offending foreign visitors. Now if only they’d avoid offending foreign visitors by not shooting Tibetans.

2. As you may know, Starbucks has been struggling recently. I never thought I’d see the day when a gallon of gas was more expensive than a Starbucks latte. But Starbucks has decided to capitalize on that - they have unveiled a new plan to allow cars to run on their lattes. Of course, according to some people, their lattes already taste like gasoline anyway. So now people can fill up their car and it will keep driving all night long. However, newer cars will have to run on premium mocha lattes.

3. Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?

4. The government of Ghana decided to spend $1.4 million on gold medals to give citizens for their achievements. For example, one medal will go towards the guy who somehow convinced a poor African nation to spend $1.4 million on fucking gold medals. That is an achievement. Also, Ghana is the second biggest producer of gold in Africa. Why couldn’t they make the medals locally? Because all of that gold goes straight into the politicians’ safety deposit boxes.

5. America’s biggest mortgage companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, almost lost half their stock value today. The Treasury Secretary briefed President Bush on the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac problem, because Bush originally thought they were just some of the cleaning staff. “Freddie and Fannie lost some stock value? Well, buy them a card.”