7/18

1. Air Force generals have been using counterterrorism funds to build luxury airplanes, because one of the terrorists’ biggest weapons has always been bad interior decorating. If we don’t have Italian leather chairs, the terrorists have won! Are the guys who designed the seats in coach going to be on the Terrorist Watch List now?

2. Did you see the headlines today that said: “Oil Recovers After Four-Day Slump”? Oh yeah, four days, that’s horrible. That’s like saying Donald Trump recovered after not getting enough change for his coffee. [sarcastic voice and an OK sign] I think oil’s still doing okay. And “recovers”? [concerned voice] Oh, we were all so worried about oil, huh? Four days of ultra-tiny price drops. Man, I was really pulling for oil.

3. So when stocks fall, people sometimes talk about a “panic” on Wall Street. Let’s look at some footage of that. [Show people walking out of the NY Stock Exchange with agitated serious faces.] Okay, people are obviously tense. They’re worried. But now, let’s look at a “panic” at Pakistan’s stock exchange on Thursday. [Show footage of the riots, with people chanting and burning tires.] Wow. Whoever said the stock market was boring? Pakistan is also a country where recent protests by lawyers, lawyers mind you, involved scenes like this. [Show footage of Pakistani lawyers in suits throwing Molotov cocktails and being dispersed with tear gas.] That’s what you call a hostile corporate takeover. Hey American CEOs - you don’t have it so bad.

4. A new study says that young bullies are at a higher risk of suicide than the general population. [concerned voice] And as a former nerd, this news caused me to look into my heart, and decide… thank god! Here’s another study: Total Dicks Have A Higher Chance Of Getting Eaten By Zoo Animals. Yes, as a society, we really must do more to make sure that these asshole kids survive to become asshole adults.

5. Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…