7/30

1. Yesterday, new x-ray technology revealed the portrait of a woman underneath a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. We here at @@@ were fascinated by this, so we decided to use the technology on some other paintings. For example, this famous portrait of George Washington. [Show portrait by Gilbert Stuart.] Now here is what the painter originally drew. [Reveal image of Washington in leather S&M gear.] Yes, I suppose that might have caused some scandals. Here’s a painting by Monet. [Show one of his Water Lily paintings, then reveal the words “God, I fucking hate water lilies.”] And finally, here is Leonardo Da Vinci’s Last Supper. [Show the Last Supper, then reveal Obama’s head behind Jesus’s.] Even then, Europeans loved him! But actually, our technology revealed even more. [Beneath Obama’s head in the Last Supper, reveal that he has breasts.] Oh my god! It’s a conspiracy!

2. Yesterday, a dead woman was found in a restroom on an airliner. No one knows for sure how she died on the flight, but police think she may have starved to death.

3. Scientists have found that being single when you reach middle age may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s. They say that the social interaction between couples may help. So single people can now hire people to come to their houses and spend two hours a day nagging them and being passive-aggressive. “Don’t mind me - I’m just going to go over here and have dementia by myself.”

4. A high school in Thailand is now offering separate bathrooms for boys, girls, and transgender students. They have a special sign for the bathroom too. [Show picture of the sign.] [sigh] If only they had those when I was in school. Now here’s some video of the principal who approved it. [Show video] Do you notice the color of his shirt? [The shirt is bright pink.] Do you think there’s a reason why he’s sympathetic with the transgender kids?

5. There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.