7/17

1. Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that he won’t try to get back the $45 million that he loaned to his own campaign. Yeah, he knew he wasn’t going to get anything from that deadbeat Romney. How does that work? It was his campaign. I’m not looking for donations to repay all those ‘loans’ I made to the Send Me On A Trip To Bermuda Campaign. And man, I had to loan a looooot of money to that campaign. Those mojitos aren’t going to pay for themselves. What a generous guy, that Mitt Romney.

2. The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.

3. At a hospital in Cleveland, kidney donors are now having their kidneys removed through their navel. You know, I had a girlfriend who tried to do that to me. She was trying to help me understand what giving birth felt like.

4. The city of Seattle is selling five self-cleaning toilets on eBay. They’re not getting a lot of offers though, because by self-cleaning, they just mean they don’t have roofs, so the constant Seattle rain washes them clean.

5. They keep calling the current credit crisis the ‘credit crunch’. Makes it sound kind of tasty, doesn’t it? “Yeah, I’ll try a little credit crunch. Does it have craisins?”