1. Leona Helmsley apparently wanted her $8 billion fortune to go towards improving the lives of dogs. Her employees were thrilled, because you know, “dogs” was her word for them.
2. [Have the lights dim in and out.] Ah, now you may be wondering why the lights aren’t being handled as well as usual today. Well, you see, yesterday some scientists said that adding some Mediterranean food to your diet can cut the risk of cancer by 12%. This got everyone here at @@@ kind of excited, and um, we ate our lighting manager, Rocco Sabatini.
3. You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.
4. Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.
5. Some astronomers are now disputing when the Roman general Julius Caesar landed in Great Britain. The original theory said that it was August 26 and 27, but scientists now say that’s impossible, because that’s when the new television season began.
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