1. The new Batman movie set a new record for the biggest one-day box office ever - $66.4 million. To put it in perspective, that is almost what the National Enquirer would have paid for photos of Angelina Jolie giving birth. Almost.
2. Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”
3. Starbucks has now released the list of the 600 stores that it will be closing. Apparently all of them were in branches of Dunkin Donuts. Yeah, I have to agree that wasn’t a smart business move. Can you believe how much press this whole thing is getting? Oh my god, Starbucks is closing stores! It’s the second sign of the Apocalypse. The first sign, of course, was the Italian heavy metal band Brother Metal, which features, I’m not making this up, a 62-year-old Catholic monk for its lead singer. Can we see a picture of him? This is really his picture. [Show photo of the monk doing the heavy metal hand salute.] The band recently played at a festival called, again this it completely true, Gods of Metal. Thou shalt have no other gods before me - unless they art gods of metal! And his lyrics are still about sex, drugs, and alcohol. Wow, Catholic priests in Italy aren’t much different than Catholic priests in the U.S. Although, I didn’t know about priests doing the drugs part. The sex and alcohol, sure, but drugs? If this is how monks live in Italy, no wonder people want to be Pope!
4. Barack Obama has already started his world tour. It’s in support of his new album. Obama’s campaign is calling it a ‘listening tour’, because the American people are going to be listening to the media go on about it for days.
5. Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…
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