1. A man in Italy was denied his driver’s license because he’s gay. They said that it might affect his driving. Really? I’ve been to Italy -- are they afraid he’ll actually stop at signs and obey the speed limit? “If this guy follows the speed limit, other cars would keep running into him!”
2. In France, the government has told a woman that she cannot become a French citizen because she wears a Muslim burqa. Yes, they don’t want any of their citizens wearing bizarre clothes! [Show video footage of strange designs from Paris fashion shows, with the word ‘Paris’ or ‘France’ clearly visible in the background.] Well, those people are all Russians anyway.
3. Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.
4. Apparently several professional soccer players from Argentina are playing in Europe on fake Italian passports. Gee, what do you think tipped the authorities off? Maybe when they kept answering reporters’ Italian questions in Spanish? For god’s sake, these aren’t dishwashers! These are people on network TV every night! “Oh yeah, we just hired a bunch of Italian soccer players - Spanish-speaking Italians who don’t eat much pasta and dance the tango. You know, like most Italians.”
5. One of the largest mortgage banks in the US has gone bust - IndyMac Bank. Now who could have seen that coming? A bank whose founders thought a good name would be if Indiana Jones released a line of macaroni and cheese.
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