1. Two British women were arrested for trying to open the door of a plane in the middle of a flight. They said that they wanted to get some “fresh air”. I can understand that. I’ve sat next to some people on planes that made me want to get some fresh air. From how the women were acting before, though, I hear the flight attendants kind of wanted them to succeed. [Act out getting sucked out of a plane, then switch character to a waving flight attendent.] “We hope you enjoyed flying with us.”
2. Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.
3. Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.
4. On Friday, John McCain met with the Dalai Lama, who he called “an inspiration for all of mankind.” However, this has less to do with McCain’s softer side, and more to do with the Dalai Lama’s ability to hypnotize absolutely anyone. He also made McCain cluck like a chicken.
5. A newspaper in Israel has printed a prayer that Obama left in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall. Here’s what he wrote: “Dear All-Powerful Shiva,” Little did you know that he is actually a secret Hindu. “Thanks for taking out Dennis Kucinich in the primary. I know that he was the real threat. Now if you could just give a certain someone from Arizona your special brand of early retirement, I’d be so grateful. Oh, and please send a plague of locusts to Fox News. Amen.”
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