7/29

1. Scientists have now discovered a tree shrew [show picture] in Malaysia that drinks alcohol made by flowers. And pound for pound, they say the shrew could drink most humans under the table. I don’t know if they’ve hung out with our staff, though. The shrews cluster in social groups known as “fraternities”. Already, there have been calls from Mothers Against Climbing Intoxicated. After the discovery, the government of Malaysia arrested all of the shrews, because none of them were legally old enough to drink. Plus, Malaysia is mainly a Muslim country, so alcohol is frowned upon. The shrews have been told to replace their diet with herbal tea, or face deportation to heathen countries like Holland.

2. Some people are now saying that granite kitchen countertops might be harmful to your health if they have too much radon. That is, they might break and fall on your foot if they were made by these two idiots named Ray and Don.

3. A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.



4. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.

5. A new study now says that in order to lose weight and keep it off, women need to exercise about an hour a day, five days a week. Fortunately, the exercise doesn’t have to be very hard. In fact, with all the Starbucks closing, you can get that exercise by just walking to the next closest one. Or by slapping your head in amazement at gas prices.