7/28

1. Richard Branson has unveiled a plan to fly people into outer space. The way it works is that a plane brings people into the upper atmosphere, where they’re met by Branson’s ego. His ego, which is not affected by gravity, then pulls the ship into outer space.

2. Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.

3. One of the biggest houses built for the reality TV show “Extreme Makeover” is now being foreclosed. Apparently it wasn’t extreme enough. This is the “Final Makeover”.

4. A new report says that the next president will face a record budget deficit of nearly half a trillion dollars. And they’re bailing out people getting foreclosed? Who’s going to bail out them?

5. The Princeton Review came out with its list of the best colleges in America yesterday, and for a record 30th year in a row, the Princeton Review said the number one college was Princeton. In second place was Princeton. Funny how that works.