BEST OF THE WEEK

There was some confusion in the African nation of Zambia yesterday, because of rumors that its president was dead. However, it turned out that he wasn’t dead -- he was undead, and immediately changed the country’s name from “Zam-bee-a” to “Zombie-a”. Experts predict a major shift in “Zombie-a’s” economy, as the number-one import switches from oil to brains. Nike and Martha Stewart have already announced plans to build factories in “Zombie-a” -- Nike because it won’t have to pay for health care anymore, and Martha Stewart because she’s so glad to finally have a homeland.

The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.

Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.

A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.

Officials in China have ordered 40 factories to close, so the air quality will be better during the Olympics. The factories will make up for the closures by opening 40 new plants in the United States.

Researchers say that people taking psychedelic mushrooms continue feeling the ‘spiritual’ effects a year later. Not unlike eating the new Gatorade-flavored Doritos, though those tend to make people believe in hell.

The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.

Today, the African nation of Equatorial Guinea gave a lengthy prison sentence to Al Franken: