1. So Serbian war crimes suspect Radovan Karadzic was finally arrested yesterday after 12 years on the run. 12 years, and they couldn’t catch this Serbian guy. And where did they “find” this Serbian? In the capital of fucking Serbia! Yeah, no one knew he was there. Can you imagine Stalin being suddenly “found” in Moscow? Here’s a current picture of Karadzic. [Show picture.] Yeah, the big beard and glasses kept anyone from figuring out it was him, huh? That didn’t even work when I played Santa. They can find obscure Nazis hidden in the jungles of South America, but they can’t find this guy down the street? And it’s not like he was laying low. He was practicing alternative medicine, giving lectures, and appearing in magazines. “You know, my doctor reminds me of someone… Wait, show me that photo with the red-eye. [Make Karadzic’s eyes glow red.] Oh yeah, he’s one of the most famous war criminals in the world! And he gives a great backrub.”
2. At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
3. Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
4. A man in Britain tried to glue himself to the prime minister, Gordon Brown. It didn’t work, though. I could have told him that, after I tried to glue myself to Natalie Portman.
5. A group of people from the Greek island of Lesbos, who are known as Lesbians, have lost their legal battle to get gay women to stop using their name. Especially because the weather is very warm on the island, very warm, and they’re tired of all the tourists coming for hot Lesbian action.
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