7/9

1. Miss Washington is in the news because of ‘racy’ pictures of her. But the pictures aren’t nude - they just show her drinking and flipping off the camera. What’s wrong with that? That’s how I greet the studio audience every day.

2. Scientists say that being obese gives men poorer sperm, possibly because the fat around their testicles causes them to heat up. Man, I need to stop packing my testicles in lard. It keeps them supple, but this is more important.

3. 68% of married men in their 70s say they have sex, while for married women, the percentage is 56%. Which means that either 12% of married men in their 70s are having affairs, are radical Mormons, or elderly married women are very sound sleepers. [Whisper in voice of elderly man] “All right now, just lift up the nightgown. Hope she doesn’t wake up.”

4. The U.S. government has decided to reopen bids for a $35 billion Air Force contract that went to a European company instead of Boeing here in America. The government says that mistakes had been made when looking over the original bids, because they only took into account things like cost and craftsmanship, but forgot that this is an election year.

5. Big problems in the nation of Georgia near Russia. The two countries are arguing over regions of Georgia that want to break away. Russia supports the breakaway areas, because it’s only against regions breaking away from countries as long as the countries aren’t Russia.