7/1

1. Starbucks says it will close about 600 stores this year. And that’s just on my block.

2. A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.

3. French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been caught on video complaining that a TV technician didn’t return his hello. The matter over the technician’s rudeness was resolved, however, when Sarkozy was reminded that he was in France.

4. Yesterday, Nelson Mandela was finally taken off the United States’ terrorist watch list. Excuse me, we’ve been keeping an eye on Nelson Mandela?! Do you think we might be able to spare some of the guys watching a 90-year-old civil rights icon, and transfer them to the, oh I don’t know, Osama Bin laden watch?! Who else do we have on the terrorist watch list? Gandhi? Spongebob? How big is this list? Am I on this list? [Wave at audience.] Are some of you here to watch me? [Point to someone specific.] It’s you, isn’t it? You’re watching me.

5. With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”