6/30

1. A Chinese businessman will pay over $2 million to have lunch with the great investor Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first piece of financial advice will be: “Jesus, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.” And in honor of Buffet, the lunch will be all-you-can-eat.

2. Lots of trouble in the African nation of Zimbabwe. The Bush administration has repeatedly condemned President Robert Mugabe for his harsh authoritarian policies. The main reasons Bush has given are that Zimbabwe has no oil and no terrorists, so it’s okay to not support its government. Oh wait, no, actually they said it was to promote democracy in the region. However, Mugabe is getting lots of support from the president of the nearby nation of Gabon, whose name is, this is true, Omar Bongo. Some people think that Mugabe is just playing Bongo, though. And in addition to having one of the coolest names ever, Mr. Bongo has been president of Gabon for 31 years! That’s over four times as long as George W. Bush. Now, for the math people out there, you may argue that four times infinity is still infinity, but actually, Bush hasn’t been president forever - it just feels that way. In an interview, Zimbabwe’s Mugabe actually said that his country has one of the best economies in Africa, as long as you don’t count the fact that there IS NO FOOD IN THE STORES! Yeah, minor things like that. Everyone’s starving, but rich, if you measure money in volume, since inflation in Zimbabwe is running at, again this is true, nine million percent. Soon, they won’t have a housing crisis, because people will just build homes out of money.

3. Some video has come out of Amy Winehouse punching a fan at a concert, and I think I speak for a lot of people when I say I’m glad that she’s got some of her strength back. She was looking pretty weak there for awhile.

4. A woman in Florida is selling her house, and as part of the deal, is also offering her hand in marriage. The woman says that she “always dreamt about being a fairy tale princess.” So like most medieval princesses, she’s being offered as property.

5. In Australia, the Air Force wanted to retire one of its big passenger airliners, which look like regular commercial airliners. So how did they decide to do this? By having the plane fly all over downtown Sydney chased by a fighter jet! Yeah, that’s not going to give anyone ideas. Office workers all over Sydney evacuated their buildings. The incident was even worse considering the traditional Australian outfit for pilots on a plane’s last flight. [Show image of Australian air force pilot wearing black Shia mullah robes and turban, but with “Australia” written in big happy letters on it.] Did this idea occur to the Australian prime minister when he was getting thrown out of that strip club here in New York?