6/19

1. Smugglers are now bringing Cuban refugees in speedboats. But some refugees died recently, so the Coast Guard asked Cubans to not use speedboats. Yes, please go back to using rafts made of cardboard. Because those are soooo much safer.

2. A woman who gave birth to sextuplets last year recently ran a marathon. But the babies still caught up with her. She said that as soon as the babies fell asleep, she’d throw her running shoes on and head out the door. Is this the sort of quote you want to read about your mother? “Oh man, as soon as my kids were asleep, bam! I was gone!”

3. In Australia, some politicians are upset about a British chef who swears a lot during his TV show. He apparently used phrases with the f-word nearly 80 times in 40 minutes. You know, like “fresh vegetables” and “fresh fruit”. Politicians are horrified at the thought of millions of Australian children asking their mothers: “Why aren’t those vegetables coming out of a can?” Executives of the show said that the swear words were okay, because they were sometimes used in praise. Well that’s a fucking good idea! Did that still get bleeped? “Yeah, go ahead and use those words, son, but only if you use them positively.” However, they did admit that the use of an even more offensive word was unacceptable, and they wouldn’t broadcast it again. That word of course was “Emeril”.

4. Some estimate that Barack Obama could raise as much as $200 to $300 million from private sources, especially since school is out for the summer. Get those lemonade stands running, kids!

5. Barack Obama says he’ll reject public campaign funding, despite an earlier pledge. When asked why he changed his mind, reporters couldn’t hear Obama’s answer, because his mouth was blocked by piles of privately donated money.