1. There are signs that Apple will unveil its new iPhone at a conference today. Some of the signs include a lack of availability of current iPhone models, and yesterday, Steve Jobs sacrificed 30 virgins. That was actually a big hit to their workforce, killing all those programmers.
2. A record number of Australian women are working on ranches. One manager said the women do better with cattle than men, because “the hormones aren’t playing up with them.” Hmm, I don’t think you’re doing much to dispel rumors about the sexual practices of Australian ranch hands.
3. A new report says that the legal system in Great Britain is “demonizing children”. That may seem like overkill, until you get a look at what they’re talking about. [Show Photoshopped image of London full of little kids with horns and forked tails.] You know, I’ve worked at some birthday parties that looked like that.
4. A nature documentary team has put together the best footage yet of pandas mating in the wild. After their reputation at zoos, I would have thought they bred asexually. Just squeezed off a little panda out of their ribs or something.
5. President Bush is now on his final trip to Europe. And we don’t mean just as president. “Good-bye, you ingrates!” Finally, he never has to leave the country again! Whew! He’s probably been waiting for this so long.
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