6/21

1. The media is reporting that thousands of Chinese couples plan to get married on the first day of the Beijing Olympics this summer. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that? And after that…

2. Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her conviction for lying about stocks a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker, so the arrival of Stewart could tip them over the edge.

3. The World’s Ugliest Dog contest was held yesterday. Here’s a picture of the winner. [Show photo of the new official mascot of the Japanese city of Nara, which is a bizarre giant walking baby with antlers. Nara locals hate it.] That is honestly the new mascot of the Japanese city of Nara. Maybe they’re having overpopulation problems and want to frighten people away. Anyway, here’s the real photo of the new World’s Ugliest Dog. [Show real photo.] Aren’t dogs wonderful? He has no idea what he looks like. Just scratch his belly and in his mind he’s Brad Pitt-Bull. The other great thing about owning an ugly dog is that they attract women while also scaring off children.

4. The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.

5. Have you seen this photo of a super-patriotic baby in China? [Show Getty photo of a baby’s face with the slogan “I HEART China” on his forehead.] Now, why is “I HEART China” written in English? Seems to undercut the message somewhat, don’t you think?