6/25

1. In Dubai, plans are being made for the world’s first moving skyscraper, with 80 floors that rotate around for no apparent reason. This is where your gas money is going people! You know, it’s one thing to charge us over four bucks a gallon - it’s another to take that money and make giant rotating skyscrapers with it. This was the original design, I hear. [Show altered photo so that it looks like an extended middle finger.] And even worse - the building will be powered by wind turbines! They’re not even going to use oil! The Middle East is using wind power, and we’re still using oil. How messed up is that? It’s sort of like how America exported “Baywatch” to other countries where it became a #1 rated network show, while here it was on at like midnight. “Oil? We don’t use that crap! Don’t you know it causes pollution? We send it off to other countries!”

2. The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.

3. The Queen of England says that she is going to strip Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe of his honorary knighthood. It’s the first time this has been done since Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceausescu, just one day before his execution. Does she know something about Mugabe that she’s not telling us? And you know, how many brutal dictators out there have honorary British knighthood? Not counting Bill Gates. What do you have to do to not be offered British knighthood? [Show picture of Charlie Chaplin.] Oh yeah, be a liberal.

4. Have you seen these new American game shows based on Japanese ones? You see, normally, their game shows are like our political shows and vice versa. Going on “The O’Reilly Factor” gets you a lot of money, because your book get massive publicity, but you also come away with only one functioning kidney.

5. The government of Burma isn’t letting a team of telecommunications aid workers go to areas hit by the recent cyclone, in order to block information from leaking out. It sounds like the Burmese government is in charge of my roommate’s office building.