1. In Colorado, police have caught some robbers who wore women’s thongs on their faces. And apparently, the thongs were originally stolen from Yankees first baseman Jason Giambi. Do robbers just wear whatever underwear is in style on their heads? Is this why they’re not using panty hose anymore? Did robbers from the 1500s use chastity belts? Those were probably great for sword fights. Maybe that’s how the helmet was invented.
2. Hillary Clinton has now officially conceded the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama. In similar news, the New England Patriots have finally conceded the Super Bowl.
3. Police in Pennsylvania had to cut open a port-a-potty to rescue a man who got trapped inside naked. The police said he was drunk. Really? That’s a surprise. I don’t even like going in those things with a haz-mat suit on, let alone naked. Maybe he thought it was like a little sauna. It’s hot, there’s water, you sit down.
4. Barack Obama says that he will not be rushed into choosing a vice president. Well, you’ve only got until the convention in August. I think the primary season has warped his head a little. “We’ve got forever to do this!”
5. So the Senate voted to not vote on a bill to deal with global warming. I love that the Senate can have a vote to not vote. They are so decisive about being indecisive. “We are not going to make a decision! And that is final! We have made our decision!”
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