6/13

1. A Belgian beer company is trying to buy Budweiser, but Budweiser is resisting, because the Belgians might make them start selling actual beer.

2. A court in Chicago has acquitted R. Kelly of all child pornography charges. That damn legal system -- always getting in the way of hard-working comedians trying to make jokes!

3. Experts say that people who become addicted to cell phones turn irritable, withdrawn, and antisocial. Then what are they doing on their phones? Maybe that’s why they’re on the phone all the time -- they keep running out of people they haven’t ticked off. And if they’re not talking to anyone on the phones, I think that’s a different problem called ‘schizophrenia’.

4. The Egyptian government has banned a 92-year-old foreign man from marrying a 17-year-old girl, because it’s worried about the trafficking of women. However, the government will approve the marriage if the man deposits a very large sum of money. But isn’t paying a massive sum of money to take a young girl out of the country called… ‘trafficking’?

5. Scientists have developed a new material that can deflect sound waves, so that the person surrounded by it won’t hear things nearby. There’s already been a lot of interest from people who have to work during President Bush’s speeches.