BEST OF THE WEEK

The media is reporting that thousands of Chinese couples plan to get married on the first day of the Beijing Olympics this summer. But doesn’t China have 1.3 billion people? Aren’t thousands of couples planning to get married the day after too? And the day after that? And after that…

It appears that Amy Winehouse has emphysema, but could recover completely as long as she stops smoking. So start writing the obituaries now, folks. When her doctor told her to stop smoking, her first question was: “Does that include crack?”

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to travel to Great Britain, because of her insider-trading conviction a few years ago. And she’s already put together a show about how to embroider a visa-rejection letter into a lovely quilt. A British official said: “We continue to oppose the entry to the UK of individuals where we believe their presence… is not conducive to the public good.” Apparently, Great Britain has already achieved nearly fatal levels of wicker.

The government of Saudi Arabia announced that it arrested 520 terrorism suspects. At the same time, it announced a job fair to fill the 520 sudden vacancies in its government offices.

Bill Clinton now says he will do whatever is necessary to get Barack Obama elected president. The Obama campaign thanked him for his support and sent him on a trip to Europe… until about December.

The International Cricket Association said that it might ban Zimbabwe from international cricket matches. Just as soon as the first match wraps up from when it started 59 years ago.

Scientists say the Phoenix lander on Mars has found evidence of ice, because it took pictures of “white stuff” under the soil. “White stuff”. Now, couldn’t they have put something on the lander to figure out if something was water? Like some sort of eight-grade chemistry set? Maybe a Britta filter?

Do you know how hot it was yesterday? It was so hot that just for the air conditioning, I actually sat through the new M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Today, I’m going to say the four words I hoped I couldn’t say on television: George Carlin died yesterday.

The national airline of Sudan has been banned from flying for one month due to safety violations. Negotiations are still under way to ban the entire nation of Sudan from Planet Earth for safety violations.

In Miami, police have arrested a bus that’s being called a ‘brothel-on-wheels’. They’ve also arrested what they’re calling an ‘ice-cream-shop-on-wheels’. And worse, it focused on luring in kids. With a hypnotic constant song that gets into your brain like an ice pick. One of the most disturbing items found on board was the blatantly anti-American piece of propaganda pictured below. Equating the United States with bombs. Why couldn’t they call it a ‘Freedom Pop’?