6/16

1. So this weekend, the UN handed control of Kosovo over to its citizens. They inaugurated their new flag too. Yeahhhh, no one is ever going to forget what Kosovo looks like. Man, couldn’t they have put some weird little antenna enclave sticking out somewhere? This is like Wyoming putting its outline on its flag. “We are proud to be a rectangle!” You know, Kosovo kind of looks like Texas. Except, of course, Texas has a lot more guns.

2. So Leona Helmsley’s dog isn’t going to get $12 million like Helmsley wanted. A judge ruled that instead, the dog would only get… $2 million. Oh man, what a let down! I hear the dog was so upset, it licked it’s genitals five minutes more than usual.

3. In this week’s “Completely Unsurprising Event That Will Get Lots of Media Coverage”, Al Gore has endorsed Barack Obama for president. This should win Obama that crucial group of voters who are influenced by Al Gore, but were thinking of not voting for Obama. Basically, its the manatee vote, because although manatees are against global warming, they tend to be racists (show image of manatee with Nazi regalia).

4. A man in Italy might go to prison for interrupting 20,000 TV broadcasts to promote condom use. Italy, by the way, has one of the lowest birth rates in the Western world, so he’s obviously having an impact. The court found that anyone who deliberately gets on TV can commit an offence. Proceedings against most of the cast of “American Gladiators” have already started.

5. Gas in California is so expensive that some people are crossing the border into Mexico to fill up their tanks. When I was a kid, the only time people got Mexican gas was from eating burritos.