6/6

1. A team of scientists now says that a new universe could begin right inside this room, and we’d never know. Some people think that’s what happened inside Hillary Clinton’s head.

2. The government now says that people who use too much of a certain brand of foot cream run a higher risk of cancer. [From backstage comes a yell of “Oh my god!” The camera moves there, where one of the crew is submerged up to his neck in cream. He‘s still holding a rope and clipboard to show that he‘s working.] Sorry, Jeff!

3. In India, a court ruled that the national airline was justified in firing flight attendants who got too overweight. The airline said it was a safety issue, because if there was a crash, the passengers might try to eat them.

4. The world’s oldest elementary school pupil has had to stop his studies. He was 84 years old in Kenya, and the Red Cross took him away because of violent ethnic battles. So if your kids complain about a spelling test, man, have you got something to tell them now.

5. The ancient Peruvian city of Machu Picchu is now believed to have been discovered 40 years earlier than previously thought, by a guy who then looted the place. That’s how I felt when people discovered my favorite diner.