6/12

1. The Supreme Court just ruled that prisoners at Guantanamo Bay can challenge their detentions in civilian courts. President Bush has said that although he disagrees with the ruling, he will abide by it. Well, that’s nice. I think there’s a word for if he didn’t, what is that again, oh yeah, a ‘coup’. How are they going to find a jury of their peers? [TV commercial announcer voice] “Do you speak English? Do you hate America? We need you for jury duty!” I’m worried this is going to be Bush’s justification for invading Pakistan. “We need to find a jury of their peers! This is where their peers are!” Apparently one of the people who urged the Supreme Court not to do it - OJ Simpson. “Hey, I know how reliable the civilian courts are!” Also, all the defendants want to be sentenced to death, so they can become martyrs. This might be the first time Bush has tried to get someone not sentenced to death. “Let’s have the trial in one of those commie states, like Massachusetts.” And perhaps for the first time in history, people on trial for murder are thinking: “Oh please, let the trial be in Texas.”

2. The IAU, the International Astronomical Union, has given a new name to objects in space like Pluto instead of ‘planets’: ‘plutoids’. However, a former NASA space sciences chief said, and this is true: “Plutoids or hemorrhoids, whatever they call it. This is irrelevant.” Wow. Prompting the following reply from the IAU, and I quote: “Yeah, and your mother.”

3. Scientists have now developed a patch for your arm that will keep you from getting diarrhea. They’re promoting them by including one with every meal from Taco Bell.

4. Many Congressmen urged their fellow politicians to support a bill that would extend unemployment insurance, because if things keep going the way they are, a lot of Congressmen are going to need it.

5. The trial of a man accused of distributing obscene videos was put on pause, and possibly rewind, because the judge apparently has sexually explicit material on his own personal website. In his defense, the judge said that he didn’t know the material was open to the public, called it “funny”, and then blamed his son for putting a lot of it on there. The defense team for the accused was taking notes. “Yeah! That’s what our client was doing too!” He also said that the site was for private family use. You’re not helping your case here, man.