1. Yesterday, Hillary Clinton joined Barack Obama for a rally in the town of Unity, New Hampshire. What a coincidence! For them to come together in a town called Unity! It’s as if someone planned it. This was like the first time McCain endorsed Bush in the town of Bitter Grudging, Utah. Though it might have made more sense for Clinton to rally for Obama in the Australian town of Broken Hill. That’s a real town, by the way. And not only is it known for its hard drinking [show picture of Clinton drinking shots] but for being very distant and having costly bills.
2. A NASA scientist says that Martian soil might be good for growing asparagus. What if you’ve always wanted to live on Mars, but you don’t like asparagus?
3. Bill Gates stepped down from being the head of Microsoft today, in order to focus on charity work. The first charity is for people who can’t afford mental health care after trying to run Microsoft’s new software.
4. Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.
5. In more “Isn’t Australia Cool” news, the country’s head of the Treasury is going to take a five-week vacation to help raise wombats. I love him not just for his environmental activism, but for giving me the opportunity to say “wombat” on television.
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