BEST OF THE WEEK

Starbucks says it will close about 600 stores this year. And that’s just on my block.

A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.

You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.

Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.

With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”

A Chinese businessman will pay over $2 million to have lunch with the great investor Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first piece of financial advice will be: “Jesus, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.” And in honor of Buffet, the lunch will be all-you-can-eat.

A woman in Florida is selling her house, and as part of the deal, is also offering her hand in marriage. The woman says that she “always dreamt about being a fairy tale princess.” So like most medieval princesses, she’s being offered as property.

The main opposition candidate for prime minister of Malaysia is being charged with the crime of ‘sodomy’ again. Before you laugh at how backward Malaysia is, until a few years ago, he could also have been charged (true) in 13 U.S. states.

The town of Elizabeth in Illinois has tried to set the world record for the most Elizabeths to gather in one place. In a similar attempt, an Indiana singles club failed to get French women to gather in French Lick.

Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to focus more attention on his charity. He’s already worked out a deal with vaccine makers to only distribute vaccines through his charity.

In Sweden, a school says that two children who weren’t invited to a birthday party had their civil rights violated. Man, if I had been raised in Sweden, I would have been a civil rights icon.

Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.