1. There was some confusion in the African nation of Zambia yesterday, because of rumors that its president was dead. However, it turned out that he wasn’t dead -- he was undead, and immediately changed the country’s name from “Zam-bee-a” to “Zombie-a”. Experts predict a major shift in “Zombie-a’s” economy, as the number-one import switches from oil to brains. Nike and Martha Stewart have already announced plans to build factories in “Zombie-a” -- Nike because it won’t have to pay for health care anymore, and Martha Stewart because she’s so glad to finally have a homeland.
2. The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.
3. A judge has ruled that the Naked Cowboy in New York City’s Times Square will be able to sue Mars Food Company for making an M&M dressed like him. [Show picture of both the Naked Cowboy and the M&M side by side.] Now why would an M&M even wear underwear? I didn’t know they were so private about that sort of thing. Gives new meaning to the slogan “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, doesn’t it?
4. The nation of Denmark has been declared the “happiest” place in the world, finally knocking out Disneyland. The next happiest countries were Puerto Rico and Colombia. Then why do people from there keep moving here?
5. President Bush is going to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in China, because according to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush sees the event as “a sporting competition”. Really? I always thought it was an art exhibit. Sports aren’t the issue. The issue is whether the people doing the sports are killing people when they’re not doing sports.
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