7/8

1. Have you heard of this guy Max Mosley, the head of the International Auto Federation, who was caught on video in what was described as a sado-masochistic Nazi dungeon sex orgy? Well, he’ll be happy to know that most of the women involved say that the sado-masochistic dungeon sex orgy actually had no Nazi theme. Whew! So that’s settled. One of the women also said she would rather be doing “CP”, which doesn’t stand for a “Clinton Pancake” but “Corporal Punishment”, though they’re similar - she’d rather be doing that than going to the dentist. Unless the dentist wears chaps. And doesn’t use anasthetic. Then it would just be fun. However, at one point, one of the women on the video clearly says: “But we are the Aryan race, blondes.” That actually seems more ungrammatical than Nazi. But actually, she was referring to a local car racing team. [Show picture of women at an auto track with shirts reading “Aryan Race Blondes”.] She was just trying to get Mosley to sponsor them. However, Mosley had a harder time explaining why he wore a Roberto Benigni mask. [Show picture of Benigni from “Life Is Beautiful”.] One of the things they did during the orgy was pretend to check Mosley for lice, but he later said that he “didn’t find it particularly erotic.” Well, obviously he never got checked for lice by the nurse at my junior high school. She was hot.

2. The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.

3. A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.

4. A beggar in India recently opened a bank account with coins that she had collected for over 40 years. The total was around 200 pounds. That’s the weight, not the British money. It was so much money that she now qualifies for a credit card - so now she’s really going to find out what being poor means.

5. Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.