8/1

1. The town council of Lavonia, Georgia just bought a strip club for $1 million dollars. Now, show of hands, how many people want to become a government official in that town? Good to see government just being open about that sort of thing. No, actually, they bought it in order for it to go out of business. Like governments do with most things they take over. Apparently too many guys in Lavonia were going there to get some “love on ya”, if you know what I mean. After they closed it, this is true, they burned its sign in a bonfire. That’s because they’d already run out of books.

2. Doctors in Germany have now completed the world’s first double arm transplant. The only downside is that the patient’s new arms keep trying to reach up and choke him. It was later learned that they had come from a serial killer. There are now plans to see that he gets the arms of the great Mexican pro wrestler Alfonso Dantes, who died on Wednesday. Doctors think there may be a risk that the hands will be compelled to put a mask on his head, or keep tagging people, but other than that, it should be okay.

3. Researchers now say that the world’s oldest known joke is a fart joke. It translates as: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.” I think it loses something in the translation. But my favorite was a Roman joke that goes: “The emperor was out for a walk when he met a young man who somehow looked very familiar. So he asked the young man: ‘Did your mother work at the palace?’ And the young man said: ‘No - but my father does.’”

4. A spokesman for Barack Obama said that John McCain’s campaign was trying to scare voters because Obama doesn’t look like the other presidents on American money. However, McCain wasn’t referring to race - he was referring to the fact that he and those presidents were all born around the same time.

5. Pakistan has admitted that there are Taliban sympathizers in its spy agency. Hey, isn’t that great! Our good friends in Pakistan. They’re learning that the best way to beat us is to pretend to be our friend, because we will trust you forever. Look at Saudi Arabia!