1. Morgan Freeman, as you may know, was in a bad car accident a few days ago, but he’s doing okay. Looks like he’s going to pull through just fine. I’m very relieved. And then I looked at the news today and there was an announcement that he’s getting divorced. That puts a whole new spin on the accident, doesn’t it? “You’re divorcing me? [Act out fight for steering wheel.]” No, actually, his wife wasn’t in the car. Maybe she was too busy washing her hands after cutting the brake wires.
2. There is apparently a major flaw in internet addresses that allows hackers to send people to the wrong website even if they type in the right address. I swear that happens to me every time I try to find a post office. “324 Wilson St. is supposed to be a post office! I don’t care if you’ve lived in this house for fifty years, ma’am! You are obviously in league with the hackers. No, not hookers, ma’am. Though you are a GILF. Or even a GGILF.”
3. Scientists have now discovered people who can hear pictures. When they see images, the sensory information also gets sent to their auditory sense organs. Isn’t that called “LSD”? And there’s another guy who gets tastes in his mouth when he hears voices. Again, this is true, he says that President Bush tastes like a crusty potato. And I apparently taste like a sweaty linebacker. Although, how would he know that?
4. Some scientists have developed a procedure that can help peoples’ bodies accept transplanted organs without drugs. That would have been nice to have known in high school, since I always used drugs to be accepted.
5. After just a few months in power, the parliament of Pakistan has decided to impeach the president and former dictator, Pervez Musharraf. Are they crazy? WTF? Is there anyone in Pakistan with impulse control? So far recently, we’ve had, this is true, tire-burning riots by Pakistani stock brokers, protests by Pakistani lawyers that were dispersed with tear gas, and now the infant democracy, this electoral baby, is basically playing with a plastic bag while jabbing at an electrical outlet with a paper clip. And they have nuclear weapons! We are all so dead…
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