1. Yesterday, Barack Obama said that he wants to refocus his campaign on bedrock issues. Specifically, drilling into the bedrock for oil.
2. It looks like smog levels are going down in Beijing just in time for the Olympics. I guess the Chinese government’s plan is working -- you know, putting a two-month ban on burning books.
3. A new scientific study confirms the well-known saying that everybody is separated from anyone else on Earth by only six to seven degrees of separation. So why can’t I get a date? I’m technically connected to everyone on the planet! You people have to hook me up.
4. The organizers of a major convention say that the social stigma of tattoos is disappearing! And can you guess what type of convention it is? The Mormons! No, it’s a tattoo convention. I was thinking of going, since I myself have a large tattoo of Mother Teresa on my left testicle. No, actually it’s a birthmark. I have always fought the call of my destiny.
5. When confronted by the fact that China’s human rights record has gotten worse with the Olympics, the head of the International Olympic Committee said: “We are idealists.” Yes, the ideal of money.
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