BEST OF THE WEEK

Joe Biden commutes to work every day by Amtrak, because he likes to have a little time by himself.

Barack Obama officially introduced Joe Biden as his vice-presidential nominee at a rally in Illinois. Obama’s supporters then tied Biden to an altar made of corn stalks and burned him as an offering to their god.

Yesterday, the FBI arrested a man who leaked some songs from the new Guns N’ Roses album. They had to let him go, though, because the statute of limitations had expired for still caring about Guns N’ Roses.

John McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know how many houses he and his wife own. And the most disturbing thing is they only own one. No, apparently they own at least four, but he wasn’t sure if places with less than 20 rooms counted. That would be more like a ‘cottage’, wouldn’t it?

Scientists have discovered that medium-sized black holes are very rare. They’re almost all extremely small or extremely large. That’s how it is with drug addicts too. You’re either a celebrity or a total zero. It’s never, “Hey, did you hear about Bob in accounting? Crackhead.”

The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!

So Barack Obama has chosen Senator Joe Biden of Delaware to be his vice president, who will help him gain the vital votes of, um, Delaware. Yeah, that’s going to be useful. I hear Obama was also considering someone from the island of Guam.

A plane from Germany made an emergency landing because of a leaking can of soup. They tried to say it was because of allergies, but really there was no vacuum and the Germans just couldn’t stand the mess.

A priest in Italy is holding the world’s first beauty pageant for nuns. Now, is anybody surprised that the priest is from Italy? There will be categories for “Best Habit”, “Biggest Rosaries”, and “Least Likely to Be the Virgin Mary”. The priest said that people will vote over the internet, because that is something you definitely want to remain anonymous for. He also stressed that there will be no bathing suit competition. Thank God! I mean, well, you know what I mean. A parade of nuns in bathing suits. That sounds like my recurring fifth-grade nightmare.

In the African nation of Swaziland, there have been street protests after nine of the king’s 13 wives chartered a jet to take them on a shopping trip to Europe and the Middle East. The protest wasn’t about the money, though. It was because the wives all bought Crocs. The anger those shoes inspire is insane.