BEST OF THE WEEK

Scientists say that running can slow the aging process. As long as you run at the speed of light. But then you gain infinite mass and have a heart attack.

On Monday, John McCain gave a speech where he didn’t talk about Barack Obama for more than 20 minutes. Many of his supporters were glad he wasn’t worrying about Obama so much, but then they realized that he’d just forgotten Obama’s name.

They’re doing a remake of the movie “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. But don’t they usually wait until the original is out of theaters?

A 44-pound abandoned cat in New Jersey has been adopted by the Center for Treating Phobias in Mice. “Go on! He can’t catch you! Work through your fear!”

Rapper Snoop Dogg has now made his Indian Bollywood movie debut, in which he claims: “Represent the Punjabi” (true - see below). Maybe he thinks ‘Punjabi’ is a type of marijuana. “Is that like ganja?” I hear he thought it was an ‘urban drama’, and it was already too late by the time he realized it was actually a ‘turban drama’. He and the Indians also bonded over having the same attitude towards women. “Hey, these guys know how to treat their bitches!”



Engineers are trying to make the internet faster by slowing down parts of it. That’s why at my office, we sometimes drug my manager. “Urrr, was there supposed to be a meeting today?” “No, no meeting today.” “Okaaay.”

When asked why the Yankees weren’t winning more, a team spokesman said: “There’s only so much they can do. They’re not supermen.” So the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are supermen? Um, it’s not like they’re fighting robots.

Three MIT students have been barred from showing how to get free rides in Boston’s subway system. Yeah, we have that in New York too. It’s called “holding open the emergency exit”. How little arm strength do MIT students have?

A natural stone arch in Arches National Park collapsed over the weekend. This is the first collapse of an ancient stone arch since John McCain’s left foot.

The African nation of Mauritania was taken over by its military again. The news struck fear in the hearts of many stoners who thought the military had taken over Marijuana. “I didn’t even know we had our own country!”

I have a prediction that in the year 2100, you’ll hear conversations like this: “I read that the president had an affair!” “What? Where did you hear that?” “In the New York Times!” “That tabloid? Talk to me when it’s in the National Enquirer.”

A lot of people are worried about the financial crisis at Fannie Mae and its sister company Freddie Mac. But I’m more interested that one of our major financial institutions is a transvestite. Freddie Mac is a sister company?