1. Barack Obama officially introduced Joe Biden as his vice-presidential nominee at a rally in Illinois. Obama’s supporters then tied Biden to an altar made of corn stalks and burned him as an offering to their god.
2. The government of North Korea has announced that it has developed a new kind of noodle that helps people feel less hunger. Yeah, you know another way to get noodles like that? Start trading with other countries, you evil fucking man!
3. The heavy metal band Metallica received the award for most inspirational group at a big heavy metal awards show. The awards committee highlighted how the band has inspired so many kids to wear black, not go out into sunlight, and write angry music about violence and insanity. Very inspirational stuff.
4. John McCain’s campaign said that the selection of Joe Biden showed that Obama knew he wasn’t ready to be president. Yes, only a total newbie chooses a vice president. John McCain is going to be the president and the vice president. He’s also going to be the entire Senate. He will rule you all!
5. Did you see that martial arts fighter in the Olympics who was banned for life for kicking one of the referees? Apparently he hasn’t heard that the best fight in karate is not to fight at all. I learned that from Mr. Miyagi.
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