1. John McCain has a political ad that compares Barack Obama to Paris Hilton. Hilton’s mother says McCain’s ad is “a complete waste of the country’s time and attention”. Has she ever seen a political ad before? They’re ALL a complete waste of the country’s time and attention.
2. Scientists now think that a cure for the new “super-bacteria” might be developed from maggots. That sounds like hot dogs - you may like it, but you don’t really want to know where it comes from. One scientist said that “maggots are great little multi-taskers”. Well we here at @@@ already know that! That’s why we already have several working in our office. Let’s introduce you to some of them. [Cut to shots of back office, where a person in a maggot costume is sitting in a cubicle.] This is Mary. She’s been with us for about five months. She’s looking forward to having about a thousand kids of her own some day. This is John… oh, it looks like John just cocooned. And he didn’t even ask for vacation time.
3. Scientists now say that dogs empathize with humans so much, that they yawn when they see humans yawn. Well, we at @@@ have been already aware of that for awhile from watching dogs in our audience.
4. Some scientists now say that broccoli could reverse the damage of diabetes. This in spite of another recent discovery that broccoli is the exact polar opposite of ice cream.
5. The ex-driver for Osama bin Laden has been found guilty, and the White House said that “the Military Commission system is a fair and appropriate legal process”. Which is why they tried to subvert it for years. The White House added that the continued fairness and appropriateness of the system depends on whether any verdicts go against them.
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