1. A new species of giant clam has been found in the Red Sea. Can we show a picture of that? [Show picture of Sarah Palin’s face in the water with Obama’s leg caught in her mouth.] Man, he didn’t see that one coming at all.
2. In Mexico City, 500,000 people have gathered to protest the enormous crime wave sweeping that country. It was supposed to be even more people, but on the way to the protest, 100,000 got kidnapped.
3. Australia apparently has far more women now than men. They are officially suffering a man shortage. However, considering that Australia is a place where the former prime minister was, this is true, a world champion beer chugger, the overall level of manliness is still the same as other countries. In fact, many of the Australian men go to England, in order to level out the manliness between the two.
4. A punk musician in Cuba was facing time in prison for writing songs against the government, but has now just been ordered to pay a fine for playing his band’s music too loud. I didn’t know that the federal government was worried about that? This is why the Cubans are fleeing their country! The music is just too loud! So they go to Miami, which is so… quiet?
5. Actor David Duchovny has entered a rehab center for sex addiction. Well, I guess now we know why they called it “The X Files”.
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