1. Scientists in San Diego have discovered a pill that helps laboratory mice lose weight without exercise. And no, you can’t leave to go down there until the show is over. But man, this is good news. I have been worried about this fat mouse epidemic for so long. Fat mice have a much higher risk of diseases that can shorten their lifespans, like “getting eaten by cats”. Scientists say the pill might eventually help people with medical conditions that keep them from exercising, like being American.
2. The mayor of LA is trying to pass some tough new anti-paparazzi laws, but I think some of the laws might be going too far. Here, watch this. [Show video of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Alter the video so that Pitt seems to be taking a snapshot of his babies, then have a bodyguard give him a full-body tackle.]
3. The governor of Washington was turned away from a bar when she didn’t have any ID on her. Then, even worse, her husband got arrested for dating a minor.
4. Well, the price of oil has seriously dropped in the last couple weeks. It’s down to $124 per barrel after rising to almost $150. Now, this might seem like good news, until you realize it’s because no one can afford to buy oil anymore! “Oil? Honey, isn’t that the stuff we bought when we still had houses?”
5. A collection of Harry Potter fairy tales is going to be sold to raise money for charity. One of the fairy tales is about how a mysterious all-powerful wizard created the world in about a week, but he had a serious problem with anger management and kept abusing and killing the people he made. Then, in another fairy tale, the wizard’s son tries to save the world from its own problems, but the people kill him. So then the wizard goes on killing and tormenting everyone. Oh, J.K. Rowling has such a crazy imagination!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Yesterday, a dead woman was found in a restroom on an airliner. No one knows for sure how she died on the flight, but police think she may have starved to death.
A new study says that eating lots of soy food, like tofu, can severely reduce sperm count. Yeah, that explains why population growth has always been so hard for the Chinese.
A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.
Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.
Richard Branson has unveiled a plan to fly people into outer space. The way it works is that a plane brings people into the upper atmosphere, where they’re met by Branson’s ego. His ego, which is not affected by gravity, then pulls the ship into outer space.
Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.
There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.
Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.
Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.
California is now the first state to ban trans-fat. That means fat people won’t even be allowed to pass through the state. However, President Bush said that Amtrak should be able to serve whatever it wants. Then an aide told him that would be “trains-fat”.
A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”
An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.
A new study says that eating lots of soy food, like tofu, can severely reduce sperm count. Yeah, that explains why population growth has always been so hard for the Chinese.
A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.
Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.
Richard Branson has unveiled a plan to fly people into outer space. The way it works is that a plane brings people into the upper atmosphere, where they’re met by Branson’s ego. His ego, which is not affected by gravity, then pulls the ship into outer space.
Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.
There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.
Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.
Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.
California is now the first state to ban trans-fat. That means fat people won’t even be allowed to pass through the state. However, President Bush said that Amtrak should be able to serve whatever it wants. Then an aide told him that would be “trains-fat”.
A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”
An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.
7/30
1. Yesterday, new x-ray technology revealed the portrait of a woman underneath a painting by Vincent Van Gogh. We here at @@@ were fascinated by this, so we decided to use the technology on some other paintings. For example, this famous portrait of George Washington. [Show portrait by Gilbert Stuart.] Now here is what the painter originally drew. [Reveal image of Washington in leather S&M gear.] Yes, I suppose that might have caused some scandals. Here’s a painting by Monet. [Show one of his Water Lily paintings, then reveal the words “God, I fucking hate water lilies.”] And finally, here is Leonardo Da Vinci’s Last Supper. [Show the Last Supper, then reveal Obama’s head behind Jesus’s.] Even then, Europeans loved him! But actually, our technology revealed even more. [Beneath Obama’s head in the Last Supper, reveal that he has breasts.] Oh my god! It’s a conspiracy!
2. Yesterday, a dead woman was found in a restroom on an airliner. No one knows for sure how she died on the flight, but police think she may have starved to death.
3. Scientists have found that being single when you reach middle age may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s. They say that the social interaction between couples may help. So single people can now hire people to come to their houses and spend two hours a day nagging them and being passive-aggressive. “Don’t mind me - I’m just going to go over here and have dementia by myself.”
4. A high school in Thailand is now offering separate bathrooms for boys, girls, and transgender students. They have a special sign for the bathroom too. [Show picture of the sign.] [sigh] If only they had those when I was in school. Now here’s some video of the principal who approved it. [Show video] Do you notice the color of his shirt? [The shirt is bright pink.] Do you think there’s a reason why he’s sympathetic with the transgender kids?
5. There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.
2. Yesterday, a dead woman was found in a restroom on an airliner. No one knows for sure how she died on the flight, but police think she may have starved to death.
3. Scientists have found that being single when you reach middle age may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s. They say that the social interaction between couples may help. So single people can now hire people to come to their houses and spend two hours a day nagging them and being passive-aggressive. “Don’t mind me - I’m just going to go over here and have dementia by myself.”
4. A high school in Thailand is now offering separate bathrooms for boys, girls, and transgender students. They have a special sign for the bathroom too. [Show picture of the sign.] [sigh] If only they had those when I was in school. Now here’s some video of the principal who approved it. [Show video] Do you notice the color of his shirt? [The shirt is bright pink.] Do you think there’s a reason why he’s sympathetic with the transgender kids?
5. There is a growing controversy about rent-a-pet companies, which rent out abandoned dogs from animal shelters. Some people say this is bad for the dogs’ emotional health. Yes, because I’m sure the dogs would have been much happier being put to sleep.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
7/29
1. Scientists have now discovered a tree shrew [show picture] in Malaysia that drinks alcohol made by flowers. And pound for pound, they say the shrew could drink most humans under the table. I don’t know if they’ve hung out with our staff, though. The shrews cluster in social groups known as “fraternities”. Already, there have been calls from Mothers Against Climbing Intoxicated. After the discovery, the government of Malaysia arrested all of the shrews, because none of them were legally old enough to drink. Plus, Malaysia is mainly a Muslim country, so alcohol is frowned upon. The shrews have been told to replace their diet with herbal tea, or face deportation to heathen countries like Holland.
2. Some people are now saying that granite kitchen countertops might be harmful to your health if they have too much radon. That is, they might break and fall on your foot if they were made by these two idiots named Ray and Don.
3. A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.
4. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.
5. A new study now says that in order to lose weight and keep it off, women need to exercise about an hour a day, five days a week. Fortunately, the exercise doesn’t have to be very hard. In fact, with all the Starbucks closing, you can get that exercise by just walking to the next closest one. Or by slapping your head in amazement at gas prices.
2. Some people are now saying that granite kitchen countertops might be harmful to your health if they have too much radon. That is, they might break and fall on your foot if they were made by these two idiots named Ray and Don.
3. A new study says that apples can help your body fight hydrogen peroxide. But don’t a lot of shampoos use hydrogen peroxide? Aren’t they going to cancel each other out? And in related news (true), a new military airplane will be able to shoot down missiles with lasers fueled by hydrogen peroxide. If we ever take on those apple trees from the “Wizard of Oz”, we’re doomed.
4. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska was indicted on corruption charges today. So maybe that “bridge to nowhere” was actually going into his pockets.
5. A new study now says that in order to lose weight and keep it off, women need to exercise about an hour a day, five days a week. Fortunately, the exercise doesn’t have to be very hard. In fact, with all the Starbucks closing, you can get that exercise by just walking to the next closest one. Or by slapping your head in amazement at gas prices.
Monday, July 28, 2008
7/28
1. Richard Branson has unveiled a plan to fly people into outer space. The way it works is that a plane brings people into the upper atmosphere, where they’re met by Branson’s ego. His ego, which is not affected by gravity, then pulls the ship into outer space.
2. Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.
3. One of the biggest houses built for the reality TV show “Extreme Makeover” is now being foreclosed. Apparently it wasn’t extreme enough. This is the “Final Makeover”.
4. A new report says that the next president will face a record budget deficit of nearly half a trillion dollars. And they’re bailing out people getting foreclosed? Who’s going to bail out them?
5. The Princeton Review came out with its list of the best colleges in America yesterday, and for a record 30th year in a row, the Princeton Review said the number one college was Princeton. In second place was Princeton. Funny how that works.
2. Amy Winehouse has been taken to the hospital. Actually, by now, we should probably just say she’s taken her commute to the hospital. A spokesman said that she was suffering a “reaction to medication”, which she apparently got while trying to get a “reaction to medication”.
3. One of the biggest houses built for the reality TV show “Extreme Makeover” is now being foreclosed. Apparently it wasn’t extreme enough. This is the “Final Makeover”.
4. A new report says that the next president will face a record budget deficit of nearly half a trillion dollars. And they’re bailing out people getting foreclosed? Who’s going to bail out them?
5. The Princeton Review came out with its list of the best colleges in America yesterday, and for a record 30th year in a row, the Princeton Review said the number one college was Princeton. In second place was Princeton. Funny how that works.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
7/26
1. Two British women were arrested for trying to open the door of a plane in the middle of a flight. They said that they wanted to get some “fresh air”. I can understand that. I’ve sat next to some people on planes that made me want to get some fresh air. From how the women were acting before, though, I hear the flight attendants kind of wanted them to succeed. [Act out getting sucked out of a plane, then switch character to a waving flight attendent.] “We hope you enjoyed flying with us.”
2. Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.
3. Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.
4. On Friday, John McCain met with the Dalai Lama, who he called “an inspiration for all of mankind.” However, this has less to do with McCain’s softer side, and more to do with the Dalai Lama’s ability to hypnotize absolutely anyone. He also made McCain cluck like a chicken.
5. A newspaper in Israel has printed a prayer that Obama left in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall. Here’s what he wrote: “Dear All-Powerful Shiva,” Little did you know that he is actually a secret Hindu. “Thanks for taking out Dennis Kucinich in the primary. I know that he was the real threat. Now if you could just give a certain someone from Arizona your special brand of early retirement, I’d be so grateful. Oh, and please send a plague of locusts to Fox News. Amen.”
2. Britney Spears will pay $20,000 a month in child support to Kevin Federline, instead of the previously agreed-upon $15,000. The increased payments were for testosterone injections to increase Federline’s almost completely destroyed manhood.
3. Obama said that he cancelled a visit to wounded troops in Germany because he was worried that it would seem like just a political move. As opposed to cancelling the trip, which of course, no one would make a big deal about.
4. On Friday, John McCain met with the Dalai Lama, who he called “an inspiration for all of mankind.” However, this has less to do with McCain’s softer side, and more to do with the Dalai Lama’s ability to hypnotize absolutely anyone. He also made McCain cluck like a chicken.
5. A newspaper in Israel has printed a prayer that Obama left in Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall. Here’s what he wrote: “Dear All-Powerful Shiva,” Little did you know that he is actually a secret Hindu. “Thanks for taking out Dennis Kucinich in the primary. I know that he was the real threat. Now if you could just give a certain someone from Arizona your special brand of early retirement, I’d be so grateful. Oh, and please send a plague of locusts to Fox News. Amen.”
Friday, July 25, 2008
7/25
1. California is now the first state to ban trans-fat. That means fat people won’t even be allowed to pass through the state. However, President Bush said that Amtrak should be able to serve whatever it wants. Then an aide told him that would be “trains-fat”.
2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”
3. Some scientists now say that tests on hairs supposedly from a yeti, the abominable snowman, have proven inconclusive. They don’t know what kind of animal the hairs are from. Although they do have a striking resemblance to hairs from Russell Crowe.
4. An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.
5. A new memo released from the Bush Administration shows that they decided that torture was okay as long as the torturer honestly didn’t believe that he was causing serious harm. This is why they would always have the janitor do it. “Hey you, come here and press this button. Yeah, it turns on the air conditioning.”
2. A man in Wisconsin was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a sawed-off shotgun because it wouldn‘t start. He could face up to six-and-a-half years in prison. So six and a half years for the lawnmower guy, and zero for Dick Cheney. Good to know where human beings stand legally. A local retailer said that the man might have trouble getting the lawnmower repaired now. I guess most lawnmower repairmen don’t have a lot of experience with bullet wounds. That’s more the job of people who repair road signs. The local retailer also said (true), that “anything not factory recommended would void the warranty.” You mean shooting the lawnmower isn’t factory recommended? Really? Wouldn’t that be great? “Page 24: If lawnmower refuses to start, shoot it. If it goes too slow, just slap it around a bit.”
3. Some scientists now say that tests on hairs supposedly from a yeti, the abominable snowman, have proven inconclusive. They don’t know what kind of animal the hairs are from. Although they do have a striking resemblance to hairs from Russell Crowe.
4. An Australian airliner had to make an emergency landing because a hole blew out of its side. An airport official said some passengers looked scared. Oh really? I think I would be more nervous about the people who didn’t look scared. That might be the first test of a psychopath.
5. A new memo released from the Bush Administration shows that they decided that torture was okay as long as the torturer honestly didn’t believe that he was causing serious harm. This is why they would always have the janitor do it. “Hey you, come here and press this button. Yeah, it turns on the air conditioning.”
Thursday, July 24, 2008
7/24
1. A new study says that eating lots of soy food, like tofu, can severely reduce sperm count. Yeah, that explains why population growth has always been so hard for the Chinese.
2. In Germany today, Barack Obama said that America and Europe had drifted apart, and it was time for them to come together again. So he proposed a plan to reverse the direction of continental drift and reattach the two land masses. [Show graphic of Europe and North America stuck together.] He also proposed putting money into dinosaur regeneration.
3. So Max Mosley, the head of the F1 racing association, has won a lawsuit against the News of the World tabloid, which falsely claimed that he was part of a Nazi sex party. He was in a sex party, but there was no Nazi theme to it. However, the editor of the tabloid said that the story was justified, because “taking part in… S&M orgies does not, in our opinion, constitute the fit and proper behavior to be expected of someone in Mosley’s hugely influential position.” Fit and proper? Sort of like how the editor of a newspaper shouldn’t let a headline like “F1 Boss Has Sick Nazi Orgy With 5 Hookers” go on their front page without any frigging proof? That kind of ’fit and proper’?
4. In New Zealand, a judge made a girl a ward of the court so that she could change her name. Her parents named her, this is true, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. That’s her name! Did her parents make a deal with God that if the horse with that name won that day, they’d name their child after it?
5. Ford Motor Company recently released figures showing that it lost $8.7 billion in the last three months. One of the main reasons was that people aren’t buying the F-150 brand pickup truck, although it has been selling better than the FNU-Over brand pickup truck.
2. In Germany today, Barack Obama said that America and Europe had drifted apart, and it was time for them to come together again. So he proposed a plan to reverse the direction of continental drift and reattach the two land masses. [Show graphic of Europe and North America stuck together.] He also proposed putting money into dinosaur regeneration.
3. So Max Mosley, the head of the F1 racing association, has won a lawsuit against the News of the World tabloid, which falsely claimed that he was part of a Nazi sex party. He was in a sex party, but there was no Nazi theme to it. However, the editor of the tabloid said that the story was justified, because “taking part in… S&M orgies does not, in our opinion, constitute the fit and proper behavior to be expected of someone in Mosley’s hugely influential position.” Fit and proper? Sort of like how the editor of a newspaper shouldn’t let a headline like “F1 Boss Has Sick Nazi Orgy With 5 Hookers” go on their front page without any frigging proof? That kind of ’fit and proper’?
4. In New Zealand, a judge made a girl a ward of the court so that she could change her name. Her parents named her, this is true, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. That’s her name! Did her parents make a deal with God that if the horse with that name won that day, they’d name their child after it?
5. Ford Motor Company recently released figures showing that it lost $8.7 billion in the last three months. One of the main reasons was that people aren’t buying the F-150 brand pickup truck, although it has been selling better than the FNU-Over brand pickup truck.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
The government has now traced a salmonella outbreak to fresh jalapeno peppers. Some of the symptoms of salmonella are abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea -- you know, some people just get that from jalapeno peppers.
A new study shows that the media gives more coverage to Obama than McCain. However, they later learned it was just that more McCain supporters fall asleep before the news comes on.
Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…
The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.
Today, President Bush tried to explain the financial crisis by saying: “Wall Street got drunk.” Yes, and he would certainly know about getting drunk. Bush then continued: “The question is, how long will it sober up and try not to do all these fancy financial instruments?” Hmm, I’ve got an answer for when Wall Street will stop doing all these fancy financial instruments -- when you stop letting it do them! That’s your job! It’s like you’re the bouncer at a club going: “Geez, when are these people going to stop fighting? Somebody should really do something about this.” Bush also said the First Lady is looking for a house in Houston, which is one of the only cities in the entire nation where housing prices are going up. And this man is in charge of our nation’s economy.
In France, the government will now allow employees to work more than 35 hours a week. Most French were working hard to keep the 35-hour week, but strangely, the other side was working harder.
Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
A new study says that loud bar music makes customers drink more, so some people want bars to lower the volume. Are they aware of how bars make money? “You know that thing you do that makes people buy more of what you’re selling? We’d like you to stop doing that.”
Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”
Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…
Air Force generals have been using counterterrorism funds to build luxury airplanes, because one of the terrorists’ biggest weapons has always been bad interior decorating. If we don’t have Italian leather chairs, the terrorists have won! Are the guys who designed the seats in coach going to be on the Terrorist Watch List now?
The government has now traced a salmonella outbreak to fresh jalapeno peppers. Some of the symptoms of salmonella are abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea -- you know, some people just get that from jalapeno peppers.
A new study shows that the media gives more coverage to Obama than McCain. However, they later learned it was just that more McCain supporters fall asleep before the news comes on.
Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…
The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.
Today, President Bush tried to explain the financial crisis by saying: “Wall Street got drunk.” Yes, and he would certainly know about getting drunk. Bush then continued: “The question is, how long will it sober up and try not to do all these fancy financial instruments?” Hmm, I’ve got an answer for when Wall Street will stop doing all these fancy financial instruments -- when you stop letting it do them! That’s your job! It’s like you’re the bouncer at a club going: “Geez, when are these people going to stop fighting? Somebody should really do something about this.” Bush also said the First Lady is looking for a house in Houston, which is one of the only cities in the entire nation where housing prices are going up. And this man is in charge of our nation’s economy.
In France, the government will now allow employees to work more than 35 hours a week. Most French were working hard to keep the 35-hour week, but strangely, the other side was working harder.
Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
A new study says that loud bar music makes customers drink more, so some people want bars to lower the volume. Are they aware of how bars make money? “You know that thing you do that makes people buy more of what you’re selling? We’d like you to stop doing that.”
Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”
Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…
Air Force generals have been using counterterrorism funds to build luxury airplanes, because one of the terrorists’ biggest weapons has always been bad interior decorating. If we don’t have Italian leather chairs, the terrorists have won! Are the guys who designed the seats in coach going to be on the Terrorist Watch List now?
7/23
1. So Serbian war crimes suspect Radovan Karadzic was finally arrested yesterday after 12 years on the run. 12 years, and they couldn’t catch this Serbian guy. And where did they “find” this Serbian? In the capital of fucking Serbia! Yeah, no one knew he was there. Can you imagine Stalin being suddenly “found” in Moscow? Here’s a current picture of Karadzic. [Show picture.] Yeah, the big beard and glasses kept anyone from figuring out it was him, huh? That didn’t even work when I played Santa. They can find obscure Nazis hidden in the jungles of South America, but they can’t find this guy down the street? And it’s not like he was laying low. He was practicing alternative medicine, giving lectures, and appearing in magazines. “You know, my doctor reminds me of someone… Wait, show me that photo with the red-eye. [Make Karadzic’s eyes glow red.] Oh yeah, he’s one of the most famous war criminals in the world! And he gives a great backrub.”
2. At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
3. Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
4. A man in Britain tried to glue himself to the prime minister, Gordon Brown. It didn’t work, though. I could have told him that, after I tried to glue myself to Natalie Portman.
5. A group of people from the Greek island of Lesbos, who are known as Lesbians, have lost their legal battle to get gay women to stop using their name. Especially because the weather is very warm on the island, very warm, and they’re tired of all the tourists coming for hot Lesbian action.
2. At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
3. Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
4. A man in Britain tried to glue himself to the prime minister, Gordon Brown. It didn’t work, though. I could have told him that, after I tried to glue myself to Natalie Portman.
5. A group of people from the Greek island of Lesbos, who are known as Lesbians, have lost their legal battle to get gay women to stop using their name. Especially because the weather is very warm on the island, very warm, and they’re tired of all the tourists coming for hot Lesbian action.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
7/22
1. So Serbian war crimes suspect Radovan Karadzic was finally arrested yesterday after 12 years on the run. 12 years, and they couldn’t catch this Serbian guy. And where did they “find” this Serbian? In the capital of fucking Serbia! Yeah, no one knew he was there. Can you imagine Stalin being suddenly “found” in Moscow? Here’s a current picture of Karadzic. [Show picture.] Yeah, the big beard and glasses kept anyone from figuring out it was him, huh? That didn’t even work when I played Santa. They can find obscure Nazis hidden in the jungles of South America, but they can’t find this guy down the street? And it’s not like he was laying low. He was practicing alternative medicine, giving lectures, and appearing in magazines. “You know, my doctor reminds me of someone… Wait, show me that photo with the red-eye. [Make Karadzic’s eyes glow red.] Oh yeah, he’s one of the most famous war criminals in the world! And he gives a great backrub.”
2. At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
3. Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
4. A man in Britain tried to glue himself to the prime minister, Gordon Brown. It didn’t work, though. I could have told him that, after I tried to glue myself to Natalie Portman.
5. A group of people from the Greek island of Lesbos, who are known as Lesbians, have lost their legal battle to get gay women to stop using their name. Especially because the weather is very warm on the island, very warm, and they’re tired of all the tourists coming for hot Lesbian action.
2. At a restaurant in Nigeria, someone found the word “Allah” in the gristle of a piece of beef. Some Islamic scholars say this means that Islam is the one true religion. I hope no one tells them about that Jesus in the grilled cheese sandwich. God has a thing for greasy unhealthy food, doesn’t he? You never hear about the Virgin Mary being found in a piece of tofu.
3. Some people say a silver lining to high gas prices is that traffic deaths are down. Yeah, and higher food prices mean fewer people are having food fights. It still doesn’t make me feel better.
4. A man in Britain tried to glue himself to the prime minister, Gordon Brown. It didn’t work, though. I could have told him that, after I tried to glue myself to Natalie Portman.
5. A group of people from the Greek island of Lesbos, who are known as Lesbians, have lost their legal battle to get gay women to stop using their name. Especially because the weather is very warm on the island, very warm, and they’re tired of all the tourists coming for hot Lesbian action.
Monday, July 21, 2008
7/21
1. A new study says that loud bar music makes customers drink more, so some people want bars to lower the volume. Are they aware of how bars make money? “You know that thing you do that makes people buy more of what you’re selling? We’d like you to stop doing that.”
2. The government has now traced a salmonella outbreak to fresh jalapeno peppers. Some of the symptoms of salmonella are abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea -- you know, some people just get that from jalapeno peppers.
3. A new study shows that the media gives more coverage to Obama than McCain. However, they later learned it was just that more McCain supporters fall asleep before the news comes on.
4. A judge threw out the fine that CBS had to pay for Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction awhile back. It was a judgment malfunction. That’s good, because they were looking to apply for a presidential pardon.
5. A man trying to spray for bugs in his apartment blew the apartment up instead. That was the bugs’ plan for exterminating him.
2. The government has now traced a salmonella outbreak to fresh jalapeno peppers. Some of the symptoms of salmonella are abdominal pain, diarrhea, nausea -- you know, some people just get that from jalapeno peppers.
3. A new study shows that the media gives more coverage to Obama than McCain. However, they later learned it was just that more McCain supporters fall asleep before the news comes on.
4. A judge threw out the fine that CBS had to pay for Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction awhile back. It was a judgment malfunction. That’s good, because they were looking to apply for a presidential pardon.
5. A man trying to spray for bugs in his apartment blew the apartment up instead. That was the bugs’ plan for exterminating him.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
7/19
1. The new Batman movie set a new record for the biggest one-day box office ever - $66.4 million. To put it in perspective, that is almost what the National Enquirer would have paid for photos of Angelina Jolie giving birth. Almost.
2. Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”
3. Starbucks has now released the list of the 600 stores that it will be closing. Apparently all of them were in branches of Dunkin Donuts. Yeah, I have to agree that wasn’t a smart business move. Can you believe how much press this whole thing is getting? Oh my god, Starbucks is closing stores! It’s the second sign of the Apocalypse. The first sign, of course, was the Italian heavy metal band Brother Metal, which features, I’m not making this up, a 62-year-old Catholic monk for its lead singer. Can we see a picture of him? This is really his picture. [Show photo of the monk doing the heavy metal hand salute.] The band recently played at a festival called, again this it completely true, Gods of Metal. Thou shalt have no other gods before me - unless they art gods of metal! And his lyrics are still about sex, drugs, and alcohol. Wow, Catholic priests in Italy aren’t much different than Catholic priests in the U.S. Although, I didn’t know about priests doing the drugs part. The sex and alcohol, sure, but drugs? If this is how monks live in Italy, no wonder people want to be Pope!
4. Barack Obama has already started his world tour. It’s in support of his new album. Obama’s campaign is calling it a ‘listening tour’, because the American people are going to be listening to the media go on about it for days.
5. Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…
2. Did you hear about this fisherman in Maine who caught a drowning man? The problem is that when he tells the story, no one believes him. “Really, he was this big!”
3. Starbucks has now released the list of the 600 stores that it will be closing. Apparently all of them were in branches of Dunkin Donuts. Yeah, I have to agree that wasn’t a smart business move. Can you believe how much press this whole thing is getting? Oh my god, Starbucks is closing stores! It’s the second sign of the Apocalypse. The first sign, of course, was the Italian heavy metal band Brother Metal, which features, I’m not making this up, a 62-year-old Catholic monk for its lead singer. Can we see a picture of him? This is really his picture. [Show photo of the monk doing the heavy metal hand salute.] The band recently played at a festival called, again this it completely true, Gods of Metal. Thou shalt have no other gods before me - unless they art gods of metal! And his lyrics are still about sex, drugs, and alcohol. Wow, Catholic priests in Italy aren’t much different than Catholic priests in the U.S. Although, I didn’t know about priests doing the drugs part. The sex and alcohol, sure, but drugs? If this is how monks live in Italy, no wonder people want to be Pope!
4. Barack Obama has already started his world tour. It’s in support of his new album. Obama’s campaign is calling it a ‘listening tour’, because the American people are going to be listening to the media go on about it for days.
5. Phil Gramm has quit John McCain’s campaign over his statement that the United States is a “nation of whiners”. Wow, a little bad media coverage and he’s pulling out? I think there’s a word for that… what is it now…
Friday, July 18, 2008
7/18
1. Air Force generals have been using counterterrorism funds to build luxury airplanes, because one of the terrorists’ biggest weapons has always been bad interior decorating. If we don’t have Italian leather chairs, the terrorists have won! Are the guys who designed the seats in coach going to be on the Terrorist Watch List now?
2. Did you see the headlines today that said: “Oil Recovers After Four-Day Slump”? Oh yeah, four days, that’s horrible. That’s like saying Donald Trump recovered after not getting enough change for his coffee. [sarcastic voice and an OK sign] I think oil’s still doing okay. And “recovers”? [concerned voice] Oh, we were all so worried about oil, huh? Four days of ultra-tiny price drops. Man, I was really pulling for oil.
3. So when stocks fall, people sometimes talk about a “panic” on Wall Street. Let’s look at some footage of that. [Show people walking out of the NY Stock Exchange with agitated serious faces.] Okay, people are obviously tense. They’re worried. But now, let’s look at a “panic” at Pakistan’s stock exchange on Thursday. [Show footage of the riots, with people chanting and burning tires.] Wow. Whoever said the stock market was boring? Pakistan is also a country where recent protests by lawyers, lawyers mind you, involved scenes like this. [Show footage of Pakistani lawyers in suits throwing Molotov cocktails and being dispersed with tear gas.] That’s what you call a hostile corporate takeover. Hey American CEOs - you don’t have it so bad.
4. A new study says that young bullies are at a higher risk of suicide than the general population. [concerned voice] And as a former nerd, this news caused me to look into my heart, and decide… thank god! Here’s another study: Total Dicks Have A Higher Chance Of Getting Eaten By Zoo Animals. Yes, as a society, we really must do more to make sure that these asshole kids survive to become asshole adults.
5. Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…
2. Did you see the headlines today that said: “Oil Recovers After Four-Day Slump”? Oh yeah, four days, that’s horrible. That’s like saying Donald Trump recovered after not getting enough change for his coffee. [sarcastic voice and an OK sign] I think oil’s still doing okay. And “recovers”? [concerned voice] Oh, we were all so worried about oil, huh? Four days of ultra-tiny price drops. Man, I was really pulling for oil.
3. So when stocks fall, people sometimes talk about a “panic” on Wall Street. Let’s look at some footage of that. [Show people walking out of the NY Stock Exchange with agitated serious faces.] Okay, people are obviously tense. They’re worried. But now, let’s look at a “panic” at Pakistan’s stock exchange on Thursday. [Show footage of the riots, with people chanting and burning tires.] Wow. Whoever said the stock market was boring? Pakistan is also a country where recent protests by lawyers, lawyers mind you, involved scenes like this. [Show footage of Pakistani lawyers in suits throwing Molotov cocktails and being dispersed with tear gas.] That’s what you call a hostile corporate takeover. Hey American CEOs - you don’t have it so bad.
4. A new study says that young bullies are at a higher risk of suicide than the general population. [concerned voice] And as a former nerd, this news caused me to look into my heart, and decide… thank god! Here’s another study: Total Dicks Have A Higher Chance Of Getting Eaten By Zoo Animals. Yes, as a society, we really must do more to make sure that these asshole kids survive to become asshole adults.
5. Scientists have developed a brain scan to tell if someone has obsessive-compulsive disorder. The scientists finally think they’ve got the process right, after working on it 20 hours a day, seven days a week, not eating or going outside…
Thursday, July 17, 2008
7/17
1. Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney says that he won’t try to get back the $45 million that he loaned to his own campaign. Yeah, he knew he wasn’t going to get anything from that deadbeat Romney. How does that work? It was his campaign. I’m not looking for donations to repay all those ‘loans’ I made to the Send Me On A Trip To Bermuda Campaign. And man, I had to loan a looooot of money to that campaign. Those mojitos aren’t going to pay for themselves. What a generous guy, that Mitt Romney.
2. The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.
3. At a hospital in Cleveland, kidney donors are now having their kidneys removed through their navel. You know, I had a girlfriend who tried to do that to me. She was trying to help me understand what giving birth felt like.
4. The city of Seattle is selling five self-cleaning toilets on eBay. They’re not getting a lot of offers though, because by self-cleaning, they just mean they don’t have roofs, so the constant Seattle rain washes them clean.
5. They keep calling the current credit crisis the ‘credit crunch’. Makes it sound kind of tasty, doesn’t it? “Yeah, I’ll try a little credit crunch. Does it have craisins?”
2. The Middle Eastern nation of Dubai has arrested 17 foreigners for publicly displaying homosexual behavior. But Dubai is a country where heterosexual men hold hands and greet each other with kisses. What could these guys have been doing that labeled them homosexual? You know, we have that law in the U.S. too - it’s called ‘you can’t have sex in public’. You don’t have to label it ‘homosexual’.
3. At a hospital in Cleveland, kidney donors are now having their kidneys removed through their navel. You know, I had a girlfriend who tried to do that to me. She was trying to help me understand what giving birth felt like.
4. The city of Seattle is selling five self-cleaning toilets on eBay. They’re not getting a lot of offers though, because by self-cleaning, they just mean they don’t have roofs, so the constant Seattle rain washes them clean.
5. They keep calling the current credit crisis the ‘credit crunch’. Makes it sound kind of tasty, doesn’t it? “Yeah, I’ll try a little credit crunch. Does it have craisins?”
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
In South Africa, people are trying to legalize prostitution for the World Cup soccer tournament. But maybe they should pay the players more, so they don’t have to earn money that way.
After getting hit by a car in Australia, a koala hung on for seven miles before someone spotted it. And it wasn’t hurt! But that’s not what surprised me. What surprised me was that the koala is being treated for the clap (true). Which makes me wonder a few things. One, what the hell was the car owner doing with that car so the koala got the clap? Two, why are animal clinics checking for STDs? Three, does this happen a lot in Australia? Maybe they need more women.
Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?
Angelina Jolie’s father, John Voight, said that he is “just as excited as everyone else” about Jolie’s twins. Isn’t that a weird thing for a grandfather to say? Since 99% of the world’s population doesn’t care, if you took an average of everyone, his excitement would be almost zero.
A judge ruled today that YouTube doesn’t have to hand over user IDs to Viacom, but it still has to give our search histories. Great. Viacom says it can’t tell who the users are, but when you have a user history that combines “Mt. Carmel church picnic Hoboken” and “XXX tranny dwarves”, the options of who it might be get kind of small. I think Viacom stands for “Violate our Computers”.
Today, both presidential candidates spoke to the Latino civil rights group known as La Raza, in celebration of Let’s Pretend to Speak Spanish Day.
Scientists in Japan are trying to make fuel out of coffee grounds. Maybe this is how to get Starbucks out of it’s slump! A lot of people think Starbucks tastes like oil already. Plus, a grande latte is already cheaper than a gallon of gas. This way, your car can keep going all night long! It might shake a bit though.
A man in Italy was denied his driver’s license because he’s gay. They said that it might affect his driving. Really? I’ve been to Italy -- are they afraid he’ll actually stop at signs and obey the speed limit? “If this guy follows the speed limit, other cars would keep running into him!”
Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.
China has banned dog meat from official Olympic restaurants, in order to avoid offending foreign visitors. Now if only they’d avoid offending foreign visitors by not shooting Tibetans.
Barack Obama was at a pecan festival yesterday and his staff made a little diorama with pecans on strings. They’re very good at it, since most of them were still turning in dioramas for grades last year. However, some people thought the pecans and strings weren’t very presidential. For example, Jesse Jackson had this to say:
But some people misinterpreted that statement! Is Jesse Jackson going crazy? Is he pulling a Pat Robertson on us? Or has he always been this way?
Oh yeah. Proof yet again that even really good people sometimes say crazy stupid shit. Jackson apologized to the Obama camp, explaining that it was just his way of reconciling with the Clintons.
After getting hit by a car in Australia, a koala hung on for seven miles before someone spotted it. And it wasn’t hurt! But that’s not what surprised me. What surprised me was that the koala is being treated for the clap (true). Which makes me wonder a few things. One, what the hell was the car owner doing with that car so the koala got the clap? Two, why are animal clinics checking for STDs? Three, does this happen a lot in Australia? Maybe they need more women.
Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?
Angelina Jolie’s father, John Voight, said that he is “just as excited as everyone else” about Jolie’s twins. Isn’t that a weird thing for a grandfather to say? Since 99% of the world’s population doesn’t care, if you took an average of everyone, his excitement would be almost zero.
A judge ruled today that YouTube doesn’t have to hand over user IDs to Viacom, but it still has to give our search histories. Great. Viacom says it can’t tell who the users are, but when you have a user history that combines “Mt. Carmel church picnic Hoboken” and “XXX tranny dwarves”, the options of who it might be get kind of small. I think Viacom stands for “Violate our Computers”.
Today, both presidential candidates spoke to the Latino civil rights group known as La Raza, in celebration of Let’s Pretend to Speak Spanish Day.
Scientists in Japan are trying to make fuel out of coffee grounds. Maybe this is how to get Starbucks out of it’s slump! A lot of people think Starbucks tastes like oil already. Plus, a grande latte is already cheaper than a gallon of gas. This way, your car can keep going all night long! It might shake a bit though.
A man in Italy was denied his driver’s license because he’s gay. They said that it might affect his driving. Really? I’ve been to Italy -- are they afraid he’ll actually stop at signs and obey the speed limit? “If this guy follows the speed limit, other cars would keep running into him!”
Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.
China has banned dog meat from official Olympic restaurants, in order to avoid offending foreign visitors. Now if only they’d avoid offending foreign visitors by not shooting Tibetans.
Barack Obama was at a pecan festival yesterday and his staff made a little diorama with pecans on strings. They’re very good at it, since most of them were still turning in dioramas for grades last year. However, some people thought the pecans and strings weren’t very presidential. For example, Jesse Jackson had this to say:
But some people misinterpreted that statement! Is Jesse Jackson going crazy? Is he pulling a Pat Robertson on us? Or has he always been this way?
Oh yeah. Proof yet again that even really good people sometimes say crazy stupid shit. Jackson apologized to the Obama camp, explaining that it was just his way of reconciling with the Clintons.
7/16
1. Scientists in Japan are trying to make fuel out of coffee grounds. Maybe this is how to get Starbucks out of it’s slump! A lot of people think Starbucks tastes like oil already. Plus, a grande latte is already cheaper than a gallon of gas. This way, your car can keep going all night long! It might shake a bit though.
2. The International Court of Justice in the Netherlands has told the United States to pause the executions of two Mexicans, because it feels that their international rights were violated. So using the same strategy as he did with Guantanamo Bay, the President had the prisoners moved to his office, so that he can now claim that the court only has jurisdiction in places governed by reality.
3. In South Africa, people are trying to legalize prostitution for the World Cup soccer tournament. But maybe they should pay the players more, so they don’t have to earn money that way.
4. Inflation hit a 26-year high yesterday. Analysts say that energy prices were the main driver of price growth. Oh really? You don’t say. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve warned, though, that there are “risks” to economic growth right now. Oh yeah, well call me Eval Knieval. Bring those risks on!
5. A lot of airlines reported operating losses yesterday. However, they said that if they didn’t count one-time expenses, then it wasn’t so bad. “Oh, they don’t really count.” Yeah, like that one-time loss of my house. Didn’t count!
2. The International Court of Justice in the Netherlands has told the United States to pause the executions of two Mexicans, because it feels that their international rights were violated. So using the same strategy as he did with Guantanamo Bay, the President had the prisoners moved to his office, so that he can now claim that the court only has jurisdiction in places governed by reality.
3. In South Africa, people are trying to legalize prostitution for the World Cup soccer tournament. But maybe they should pay the players more, so they don’t have to earn money that way.
4. Inflation hit a 26-year high yesterday. Analysts say that energy prices were the main driver of price growth. Oh really? You don’t say. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve warned, though, that there are “risks” to economic growth right now. Oh yeah, well call me Eval Knieval. Bring those risks on!
5. A lot of airlines reported operating losses yesterday. However, they said that if they didn’t count one-time expenses, then it wasn’t so bad. “Oh, they don’t really count.” Yeah, like that one-time loss of my house. Didn’t count!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
7/15
1. After getting hit by a car in Australia, a koala hung on for seven miles before someone spotted it. And it wasn’t hurt! But that’s not what surprised me. What surprised me was that the koala is being treated for the clap (true). Which makes me wonder a few things. One, what the hell was the car owner doing with that car so the koala got the clap? Two, why are animal clinics checking for STDs? Three, does this happen a lot in Australia? Maybe they need more women.
2. World Youth Day, a giant Catholic youth festival, is happening now in Australia. It’s the biggest influx of Catholicism into Australia since Mel Gibson’s ego.
3. Angelina Jolie’s father, John Voight, said that he is “just as excited as everyone else” about Jolie’s twins. Isn’t that a weird thing for a grandfather to say? Since 99% of the world’s population doesn’t care, if you took an average of everyone, his excitement would be almost zero.
4. A judge ruled today that YouTube doesn’t have to hand over user IDs to Viacom, but it still has to give our search histories. Great. Viacom says it can’t tell who the users are, but when you have a user history that combines “Mt. Carmel church picnic Hoboken” and “XXX tranny dwarves”, the options of who it might be get kind of small. I think Viacom stands for “Violate our Computers”.
5. President Bush said today that the only thing standing between offshore oil and the American people is Congress… and their consciences. Which means we’re all screwed.
2. World Youth Day, a giant Catholic youth festival, is happening now in Australia. It’s the biggest influx of Catholicism into Australia since Mel Gibson’s ego.
3. Angelina Jolie’s father, John Voight, said that he is “just as excited as everyone else” about Jolie’s twins. Isn’t that a weird thing for a grandfather to say? Since 99% of the world’s population doesn’t care, if you took an average of everyone, his excitement would be almost zero.
4. A judge ruled today that YouTube doesn’t have to hand over user IDs to Viacom, but it still has to give our search histories. Great. Viacom says it can’t tell who the users are, but when you have a user history that combines “Mt. Carmel church picnic Hoboken” and “XXX tranny dwarves”, the options of who it might be get kind of small. I think Viacom stands for “Violate our Computers”.
5. President Bush said today that the only thing standing between offshore oil and the American people is Congress… and their consciences. Which means we’re all screwed.
Monday, July 14, 2008
7/14
1. So President Bush has now lifted the ban on offshore oil-drilling. He said: “The American people are watching the numbers climb higher and higher at the pump and they’re waiting to see what Congress will do to match my ridiculous election-year move.” No, wait, he didn’t say the last part. He only thought it. Bush said he wants Congress to pass legislation to allow “responsible offshore exploration”. Man has he mellowed. Because before, he was for irresponsible offshore exploration. Like that proposal to build drilling bits out of the teeth of manatees.
2. World Youth Day, also known as the Catholic Woodstock, is being held in Australia this year. Over 100,000 young Catholics are expected to attend. And I hear the communion wafers with Bart Simpson on them have acid.
3. Did you see the cover of the New Yorker magazine? The picture of Barack Obama in traditional Muslim clothes and his wife dressed like a Black Panther with a gun strapped across her back? Oh that left wing media is at it again! Always trying so hard to made Obama look good! When I saw it, I wondered if it was one of those gag things, where like the New Yorker switches staff with Rush Limbaugh for the week. Over at the Rush Limbaugh website, maybe they had a picture of Bush sucking oil out of a Saudi prince’s cock.
4. Today, both presidential candidates spoke to the Latino civil rights group known as La Raza, in celebration of Let’s Pretend to Speak Spanish Day.
5. Hitmen in Mexico are supposedly offering their services in online ads, posted in between ads for domestic help. Maybe that’s why they’re known as ‘cleaners’. One ad said “Assassin, ex-military, professional and discreet.” Discreet? Then why are posting online?
2. World Youth Day, also known as the Catholic Woodstock, is being held in Australia this year. Over 100,000 young Catholics are expected to attend. And I hear the communion wafers with Bart Simpson on them have acid.
3. Did you see the cover of the New Yorker magazine? The picture of Barack Obama in traditional Muslim clothes and his wife dressed like a Black Panther with a gun strapped across her back? Oh that left wing media is at it again! Always trying so hard to made Obama look good! When I saw it, I wondered if it was one of those gag things, where like the New Yorker switches staff with Rush Limbaugh for the week. Over at the Rush Limbaugh website, maybe they had a picture of Bush sucking oil out of a Saudi prince’s cock.
4. Today, both presidential candidates spoke to the Latino civil rights group known as La Raza, in celebration of Let’s Pretend to Speak Spanish Day.
5. Hitmen in Mexico are supposedly offering their services in online ads, posted in between ads for domestic help. Maybe that’s why they’re known as ‘cleaners’. One ad said “Assassin, ex-military, professional and discreet.” Discreet? Then why are posting online?
Saturday, July 12, 2008
7/12
1. A man in Italy was denied his driver’s license because he’s gay. They said that it might affect his driving. Really? I’ve been to Italy -- are they afraid he’ll actually stop at signs and obey the speed limit? “If this guy follows the speed limit, other cars would keep running into him!”
2. In France, the government has told a woman that she cannot become a French citizen because she wears a Muslim burqa. Yes, they don’t want any of their citizens wearing bizarre clothes! [Show video footage of strange designs from Paris fashion shows, with the word ‘Paris’ or ‘France’ clearly visible in the background.] Well, those people are all Russians anyway.
3. Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.
4. Apparently several professional soccer players from Argentina are playing in Europe on fake Italian passports. Gee, what do you think tipped the authorities off? Maybe when they kept answering reporters’ Italian questions in Spanish? For god’s sake, these aren’t dishwashers! These are people on network TV every night! “Oh yeah, we just hired a bunch of Italian soccer players - Spanish-speaking Italians who don’t eat much pasta and dance the tango. You know, like most Italians.”
5. One of the largest mortgage banks in the US has gone bust - IndyMac Bank. Now who could have seen that coming? A bank whose founders thought a good name would be if Indiana Jones released a line of macaroni and cheese.
2. In France, the government has told a woman that she cannot become a French citizen because she wears a Muslim burqa. Yes, they don’t want any of their citizens wearing bizarre clothes! [Show video footage of strange designs from Paris fashion shows, with the word ‘Paris’ or ‘France’ clearly visible in the background.] Well, those people are all Russians anyway.
3. Yankees player Alex Rodriguez passed Mickey Mantle yesterday in total home runs. This was after last week, when he passed Mantle in total extramarital affairs.
4. Apparently several professional soccer players from Argentina are playing in Europe on fake Italian passports. Gee, what do you think tipped the authorities off? Maybe when they kept answering reporters’ Italian questions in Spanish? For god’s sake, these aren’t dishwashers! These are people on network TV every night! “Oh yeah, we just hired a bunch of Italian soccer players - Spanish-speaking Italians who don’t eat much pasta and dance the tango. You know, like most Italians.”
5. One of the largest mortgage banks in the US has gone bust - IndyMac Bank. Now who could have seen that coming? A bank whose founders thought a good name would be if Indiana Jones released a line of macaroni and cheese.
Friday, July 11, 2008
7/11
1. China has banned dog meat from official Olympic restaurants, in order to avoid offending foreign visitors. Now if only they’d avoid offending foreign visitors by not shooting Tibetans.
2. As you may know, Starbucks has been struggling recently. I never thought I’d see the day when a gallon of gas was more expensive than a Starbucks latte. But Starbucks has decided to capitalize on that - they have unveiled a new plan to allow cars to run on their lattes. Of course, according to some people, their lattes already taste like gasoline anyway. So now people can fill up their car and it will keep driving all night long. However, newer cars will have to run on premium mocha lattes.
3. Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?
4. The government of Ghana decided to spend $1.4 million on gold medals to give citizens for their achievements. For example, one medal will go towards the guy who somehow convinced a poor African nation to spend $1.4 million on fucking gold medals. That is an achievement. Also, Ghana is the second biggest producer of gold in Africa. Why couldn’t they make the medals locally? Because all of that gold goes straight into the politicians’ safety deposit boxes.
5. America’s biggest mortgage companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, almost lost half their stock value today. The Treasury Secretary briefed President Bush on the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac problem, because Bush originally thought they were just some of the cleaning staff. “Freddie and Fannie lost some stock value? Well, buy them a card.”
2. As you may know, Starbucks has been struggling recently. I never thought I’d see the day when a gallon of gas was more expensive than a Starbucks latte. But Starbucks has decided to capitalize on that - they have unveiled a new plan to allow cars to run on their lattes. Of course, according to some people, their lattes already taste like gasoline anyway. So now people can fill up their car and it will keep driving all night long. However, newer cars will have to run on premium mocha lattes.
3. Did you hear that Barack Obama is thinking about sponsoring a NASCAR race car? Well, this is the official moment we know for sure that his campaign has way too much money. I hear next he’s going to put out his own soft drink. And do you really want to be associated with a sport where you’re either going around in circles… or crashing in flames?
4. The government of Ghana decided to spend $1.4 million on gold medals to give citizens for their achievements. For example, one medal will go towards the guy who somehow convinced a poor African nation to spend $1.4 million on fucking gold medals. That is an achievement. Also, Ghana is the second biggest producer of gold in Africa. Why couldn’t they make the medals locally? Because all of that gold goes straight into the politicians’ safety deposit boxes.
5. America’s biggest mortgage companies, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, almost lost half their stock value today. The Treasury Secretary briefed President Bush on the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac problem, because Bush originally thought they were just some of the cleaning staff. “Freddie and Fannie lost some stock value? Well, buy them a card.”
Thursday, July 10, 2008
7/10
1. Barack Obama was at a pecan festival yesterday and his staff made a little diorama with pecans on strings. They’re very good at it, since most of them were still turning in dioramas for grades last year. However, some people thought the pecans and strings weren’t very presidential. For example, Jesse Jackson had this to say:
But some people misinterpreted that statement! Is Jesse Jackson going crazy? Is he pulling a Pat Robertson on us? Or has he always been this way?
Oh yeah. Proof yet again that even really good people sometimes say crazy stupid shit. Jackson apologized to the Obama camp, explaining that it was just his way of reconciling with the Clintons.
2. George Bush officially approved the new wire-tapping bill that gives his administration sweeping powers to listen to phone conversations. Although he unofficially approved the bill about a day before Congress voted. Somehow he knew how Congressmen were going to vote…
3. Scientists in Italy now say that a famous statue thought to be 2,500 years old is actually only 800. There’s already a push to do a similar carbon-dating test on jokes about John McCain’s age.
4. I heard Phil Gramm talking yesterday about how he was so tired from lack of sleep. Man, what a whiner. So Gramm said that the current recession is just in people’s heads. Yeah, you want to know why $5-a-gallon gas and failed mortgages are filling our heads? Because there’s no room for anything else! Who can think about anything else?
5. Scientists now say that they can sometimes predict earthquakes from the stress on nearby rocks. This is similar to tracking temper tantrums from the stress levels in Donald Trump’s hair.
But some people misinterpreted that statement! Is Jesse Jackson going crazy? Is he pulling a Pat Robertson on us? Or has he always been this way?
Oh yeah. Proof yet again that even really good people sometimes say crazy stupid shit. Jackson apologized to the Obama camp, explaining that it was just his way of reconciling with the Clintons.
2. George Bush officially approved the new wire-tapping bill that gives his administration sweeping powers to listen to phone conversations. Although he unofficially approved the bill about a day before Congress voted. Somehow he knew how Congressmen were going to vote…
3. Scientists in Italy now say that a famous statue thought to be 2,500 years old is actually only 800. There’s already a push to do a similar carbon-dating test on jokes about John McCain’s age.
4. I heard Phil Gramm talking yesterday about how he was so tired from lack of sleep. Man, what a whiner. So Gramm said that the current recession is just in people’s heads. Yeah, you want to know why $5-a-gallon gas and failed mortgages are filling our heads? Because there’s no room for anything else! Who can think about anything else?
5. Scientists now say that they can sometimes predict earthquakes from the stress on nearby rocks. This is similar to tracking temper tantrums from the stress levels in Donald Trump’s hair.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
There was some confusion in the African nation of Zambia yesterday, because of rumors that its president was dead. However, it turned out that he wasn’t dead -- he was undead, and immediately changed the country’s name from “Zam-bee-a” to “Zombie-a”. Experts predict a major shift in “Zombie-a’s” economy, as the number-one import switches from oil to brains. Nike and Martha Stewart have already announced plans to build factories in “Zombie-a” -- Nike because it won’t have to pay for health care anymore, and Martha Stewart because she’s so glad to finally have a homeland.
The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.
Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.
A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.
Officials in China have ordered 40 factories to close, so the air quality will be better during the Olympics. The factories will make up for the closures by opening 40 new plants in the United States.
Researchers say that people taking psychedelic mushrooms continue feeling the ‘spiritual’ effects a year later. Not unlike eating the new Gatorade-flavored Doritos, though those tend to make people believe in hell.
The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.
Today, the African nation of Equatorial Guinea gave a lengthy prison sentence to Al Franken:
The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.
Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.
A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.
Officials in China have ordered 40 factories to close, so the air quality will be better during the Olympics. The factories will make up for the closures by opening 40 new plants in the United States.
Researchers say that people taking psychedelic mushrooms continue feeling the ‘spiritual’ effects a year later. Not unlike eating the new Gatorade-flavored Doritos, though those tend to make people believe in hell.
The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.
Today, the African nation of Equatorial Guinea gave a lengthy prison sentence to Al Franken:
7/9
1. Miss Washington is in the news because of ‘racy’ pictures of her. But the pictures aren’t nude - they just show her drinking and flipping off the camera. What’s wrong with that? That’s how I greet the studio audience every day.
2. Scientists say that being obese gives men poorer sperm, possibly because the fat around their testicles causes them to heat up. Man, I need to stop packing my testicles in lard. It keeps them supple, but this is more important.
3. 68% of married men in their 70s say they have sex, while for married women, the percentage is 56%. Which means that either 12% of married men in their 70s are having affairs, are radical Mormons, or elderly married women are very sound sleepers. [Whisper in voice of elderly man] “All right now, just lift up the nightgown. Hope she doesn’t wake up.”
4. The U.S. government has decided to reopen bids for a $35 billion Air Force contract that went to a European company instead of Boeing here in America. The government says that mistakes had been made when looking over the original bids, because they only took into account things like cost and craftsmanship, but forgot that this is an election year.
5. Big problems in the nation of Georgia near Russia. The two countries are arguing over regions of Georgia that want to break away. Russia supports the breakaway areas, because it’s only against regions breaking away from countries as long as the countries aren’t Russia.
2. Scientists say that being obese gives men poorer sperm, possibly because the fat around their testicles causes them to heat up. Man, I need to stop packing my testicles in lard. It keeps them supple, but this is more important.
3. 68% of married men in their 70s say they have sex, while for married women, the percentage is 56%. Which means that either 12% of married men in their 70s are having affairs, are radical Mormons, or elderly married women are very sound sleepers. [Whisper in voice of elderly man] “All right now, just lift up the nightgown. Hope she doesn’t wake up.”
4. The U.S. government has decided to reopen bids for a $35 billion Air Force contract that went to a European company instead of Boeing here in America. The government says that mistakes had been made when looking over the original bids, because they only took into account things like cost and craftsmanship, but forgot that this is an election year.
5. Big problems in the nation of Georgia near Russia. The two countries are arguing over regions of Georgia that want to break away. Russia supports the breakaway areas, because it’s only against regions breaking away from countries as long as the countries aren’t Russia.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
7/8
1. Have you heard of this guy Max Mosley, the head of the International Auto Federation, who was caught on video in what was described as a sado-masochistic Nazi dungeon sex orgy? Well, he’ll be happy to know that most of the women involved say that the sado-masochistic dungeon sex orgy actually had no Nazi theme. Whew! So that’s settled. One of the women also said she would rather be doing “CP”, which doesn’t stand for a “Clinton Pancake” but “Corporal Punishment”, though they’re similar - she’d rather be doing that than going to the dentist. Unless the dentist wears chaps. And doesn’t use anasthetic. Then it would just be fun. However, at one point, one of the women on the video clearly says: “But we are the Aryan race, blondes.” That actually seems more ungrammatical than Nazi. But actually, she was referring to a local car racing team. [Show picture of women at an auto track with shirts reading “Aryan Race Blondes”.] She was just trying to get Mosley to sponsor them. However, Mosley had a harder time explaining why he wore a Roberto Benigni mask. [Show picture of Benigni from “Life Is Beautiful”.] One of the things they did during the orgy was pretend to check Mosley for lice, but he later said that he “didn’t find it particularly erotic.” Well, obviously he never got checked for lice by the nurse at my junior high school. She was hot.
2. The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.
3. A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.
4. A beggar in India recently opened a bank account with coins that she had collected for over 40 years. The total was around 200 pounds. That’s the weight, not the British money. It was so much money that she now qualifies for a credit card - so now she’s really going to find out what being poor means.
5. Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.
2. The White House had to apologize for a press packet that described Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as being “hated by many” and an “amateur”. Berlusconi objected to being called an amateur.
3. A science teacher in Ohio has been fired over accusations that he burned crosses into students’ arms. However, it wasn’t a Christian thing -- it was just an experiment to see if the students were vampires.
4. A beggar in India recently opened a bank account with coins that she had collected for over 40 years. The total was around 200 pounds. That’s the weight, not the British money. It was so much money that she now qualifies for a credit card - so now she’s really going to find out what being poor means.
5. Despite some of the worst approval ratings in his country’s history, French President Nicolas Sarkozy has decided to go to the Olympics, where he will compete in the freestyle political nosedive.
Monday, July 7, 2008
7/7
1. Leaders at the G8 summit have agreed to cut carbon emissions in half by 2050. You see, that’s when the rising oceans will have flooded half the world’s factories.
2. Several voters in San Francisco are trying to get a sewage treatment plant named after President Bush. Now, I know they want it to be an insult, but don’t sewage treatment plants clean up messes? Shouldn’t they put his name a center for the illiterate?
3. There is apparently a link between high blood pressure and dementia. You get very tense and angry, but have no idea why. Which calms you down and your blood pressure gets better. So it all works out in the end.
4. So Nicole Kidman had a baby yesterday, and it was a girl, despite her last name.
5. Today, the African nation of Equatorial Guinea gave a lengthy prison sentence to Al Franken:
2. Several voters in San Francisco are trying to get a sewage treatment plant named after President Bush. Now, I know they want it to be an insult, but don’t sewage treatment plants clean up messes? Shouldn’t they put his name a center for the illiterate?
3. There is apparently a link between high blood pressure and dementia. You get very tense and angry, but have no idea why. Which calms you down and your blood pressure gets better. So it all works out in the end.
4. So Nicole Kidman had a baby yesterday, and it was a girl, despite her last name.
5. Today, the African nation of Equatorial Guinea gave a lengthy prison sentence to Al Franken:
Saturday, July 5, 2008
7/5
1. In Germany, a man has been arrested for tearing the head off a new Hitler statue in a wax museum. And the guy was only the second person to ever enter the exhibit. Now what was the first guy thinking? [calm voice] “Oh look, it’s Hitler. [Switch voice and actions to the guy growling and twisting the head off - “Arrgghh!!”] [Back to calm first person] Man, that crazed animatronic Russian soldier is really lifelike! I didn’t know that was how Hitler died.”
2. Officials in China have ordered 40 factories to close, so the air quality will be better during the Olympics. The factories will make up for the closures by opening 40 new plants in the United States.
3. Ashley Dupre, the escort who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, has dropped a lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild for using her in its new DVD. I assume the new DVD is called “Girls Gone A Little Too Wild”.
4. In Great Britain, a short little note written by the Queen Mother asking for two bottles of gin has sold for around $30,000. The note was given to a servant known as, this is true, Backstairs Billy. You know, that doesn’t sound like one of those affectionate nicknames. You usually don’t give friendly nicknames like “Rain Gutter Randy” or “Dungeon Dave”. Maybe that’s why he saved the note - he was getting ready to blackmail the Queen Mother for alcoholism.
5. A Japanese sailor has gone from Hawaii to Japan in a boat using only wave power. He hooked up generators to 500 Japanese schoolgirls and harnessed the tremendous power of all those bye-byes.
2. Officials in China have ordered 40 factories to close, so the air quality will be better during the Olympics. The factories will make up for the closures by opening 40 new plants in the United States.
3. Ashley Dupre, the escort who was involved with former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, has dropped a lawsuit against Girls Gone Wild for using her in its new DVD. I assume the new DVD is called “Girls Gone A Little Too Wild”.
4. In Great Britain, a short little note written by the Queen Mother asking for two bottles of gin has sold for around $30,000. The note was given to a servant known as, this is true, Backstairs Billy. You know, that doesn’t sound like one of those affectionate nicknames. You usually don’t give friendly nicknames like “Rain Gutter Randy” or “Dungeon Dave”. Maybe that’s why he saved the note - he was getting ready to blackmail the Queen Mother for alcoholism.
5. A Japanese sailor has gone from Hawaii to Japan in a boat using only wave power. He hooked up generators to 500 Japanese schoolgirls and harnessed the tremendous power of all those bye-byes.
Friday, July 4, 2008
7/4
1. Researchers say that people taking psychedelic mushrooms continue feeling the ‘spiritual’ effects a year later. Not unlike eating the new Gatorade-flavored Doritos, though those tend to make people believe in hell.
2. Scientists now say that the planet Mercury has shrunk by one mile in diameter since it was born. This is due to the inner core cooling off. That’s the opposite of former pro athletes, who after their inner cores cool off, seem to expand to almost double their previous size.
3. Direct flights between China and Taiwan have now begun. The flights are only on weekends - not because the governments want to go slow, but because these days, almost no one can afford plane tickets.
4. Today, Joey Chestnut won the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. In 10 minutes, Chestnut and his main rival, Takeru Kobayashi, each ate 59 hot dogs. Or to put it another way, a month’s supply of food for someone in East Africa.
5. Look at our politicians greeting hostages. [Show solemn handshake.] Now look at this picture of French President Nicolas Sarkozy and the recently released French hostage Ingrid Betancourt from Colombia. [Show BBC photo, which makes it look like the two are lovers slow dancing.] Now the French know how to greet a hostage!
2. Scientists now say that the planet Mercury has shrunk by one mile in diameter since it was born. This is due to the inner core cooling off. That’s the opposite of former pro athletes, who after their inner cores cool off, seem to expand to almost double their previous size.
3. Direct flights between China and Taiwan have now begun. The flights are only on weekends - not because the governments want to go slow, but because these days, almost no one can afford plane tickets.
4. Today, Joey Chestnut won the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. In 10 minutes, Chestnut and his main rival, Takeru Kobayashi, each ate 59 hot dogs. Or to put it another way, a month’s supply of food for someone in East Africa.
5. Look at our politicians greeting hostages. [Show solemn handshake.] Now look at this picture of French President Nicolas Sarkozy and the recently released French hostage Ingrid Betancourt from Colombia. [Show BBC photo, which makes it look like the two are lovers slow dancing.] Now the French know how to greet a hostage!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
7/3
1. There was some confusion in the African nation of Zambia yesterday, because of rumors that its president was dead. However, it turned out that he wasn’t dead -- he was undead, and immediately changed the country’s name from “Zam-bee-a” to “Zombie-a”. Experts predict a major shift in “Zombie-a’s” economy, as the number-one import switches from oil to brains. Nike and Martha Stewart have already announced plans to build factories in “Zombie-a” -- Nike because it won’t have to pay for health care anymore, and Martha Stewart because she’s so glad to finally have a homeland.
2. The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.
3. A judge has ruled that the Naked Cowboy in New York City’s Times Square will be able to sue Mars Food Company for making an M&M dressed like him. [Show picture of both the Naked Cowboy and the M&M side by side.] Now why would an M&M even wear underwear? I didn’t know they were so private about that sort of thing. Gives new meaning to the slogan “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, doesn’t it?
4. The nation of Denmark has been declared the “happiest” place in the world, finally knocking out Disneyland. The next happiest countries were Puerto Rico and Colombia. Then why do people from there keep moving here?
5. President Bush is going to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in China, because according to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush sees the event as “a sporting competition”. Really? I always thought it was an art exhibit. Sports aren’t the issue. The issue is whether the people doing the sports are killing people when they’re not doing sports.
2. The ‘pregnant man’ has now given birth. Doctors say it was a difficult birth, though, because the father was asked to leave the delivery room.
3. A judge has ruled that the Naked Cowboy in New York City’s Times Square will be able to sue Mars Food Company for making an M&M dressed like him. [Show picture of both the Naked Cowboy and the M&M side by side.] Now why would an M&M even wear underwear? I didn’t know they were so private about that sort of thing. Gives new meaning to the slogan “melts in your mouth, not in your hand”, doesn’t it?
4. The nation of Denmark has been declared the “happiest” place in the world, finally knocking out Disneyland. The next happiest countries were Puerto Rico and Colombia. Then why do people from there keep moving here?
5. President Bush is going to attend the opening ceremony of the Olympics in China, because according to White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, Bush sees the event as “a sporting competition”. Really? I always thought it was an art exhibit. Sports aren’t the issue. The issue is whether the people doing the sports are killing people when they’re not doing sports.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
BEST OF THE WEEK
Starbucks says it will close about 600 stores this year. And that’s just on my block.
A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.
Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.
With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”
A Chinese businessman will pay over $2 million to have lunch with the great investor Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first piece of financial advice will be: “Jesus, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.” And in honor of Buffet, the lunch will be all-you-can-eat.
A woman in Florida is selling her house, and as part of the deal, is also offering her hand in marriage. The woman says that she “always dreamt about being a fairy tale princess.” So like most medieval princesses, she’s being offered as property.
The main opposition candidate for prime minister of Malaysia is being charged with the crime of ‘sodomy’ again. Before you laugh at how backward Malaysia is, until a few years ago, he could also have been charged (true) in 13 U.S. states.
The town of Elizabeth in Illinois has tried to set the world record for the most Elizabeths to gather in one place. In a similar attempt, an Indiana singles club failed to get French women to gather in French Lick.
Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to focus more attention on his charity. He’s already worked out a deal with vaccine makers to only distribute vaccines through his charity.
In Sweden, a school says that two children who weren’t invited to a birthday party had their civil rights violated. Man, if I had been raised in Sweden, I would have been a civil rights icon.
Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.
A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.
Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.
With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”
A Chinese businessman will pay over $2 million to have lunch with the great investor Warren Buffet. I assume Buffet’s first piece of financial advice will be: “Jesus, don’t ever pay $2 million for lunch.” And in honor of Buffet, the lunch will be all-you-can-eat.
A woman in Florida is selling her house, and as part of the deal, is also offering her hand in marriage. The woman says that she “always dreamt about being a fairy tale princess.” So like most medieval princesses, she’s being offered as property.
The main opposition candidate for prime minister of Malaysia is being charged with the crime of ‘sodomy’ again. Before you laugh at how backward Malaysia is, until a few years ago, he could also have been charged (true) in 13 U.S. states.
The town of Elizabeth in Illinois has tried to set the world record for the most Elizabeths to gather in one place. In a similar attempt, an Indiana singles club failed to get French women to gather in French Lick.
Bill Gates is leaving Microsoft to focus more attention on his charity. He’s already worked out a deal with vaccine makers to only distribute vaccines through his charity.
In Sweden, a school says that two children who weren’t invited to a birthday party had their civil rights violated. Man, if I had been raised in Sweden, I would have been a civil rights icon.
Nelson Mandela is having his 90th birthday celebration in London… listening to music that he doesn’t like, played by people who have absolutely no idea what he went through. This is like a Holocaust survivor getting serenaded by a night of rap music from teenagers in Beverly Hills.
7/2
1. Leona Helmsley apparently wanted her $8 billion fortune to go towards improving the lives of dogs. Her employees were thrilled, because you know, “dogs” was her word for them.
2. [Have the lights dim in and out.] Ah, now you may be wondering why the lights aren’t being handled as well as usual today. Well, you see, yesterday some scientists said that adding some Mediterranean food to your diet can cut the risk of cancer by 12%. This got everyone here at @@@ kind of excited, and um, we ate our lighting manager, Rocco Sabatini.
3. You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.
4. Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.
5. Some astronomers are now disputing when the Roman general Julius Caesar landed in Great Britain. The original theory said that it was August 26 and 27, but scientists now say that’s impossible, because that’s when the new television season began.
2. [Have the lights dim in and out.] Ah, now you may be wondering why the lights aren’t being handled as well as usual today. Well, you see, yesterday some scientists said that adding some Mediterranean food to your diet can cut the risk of cancer by 12%. This got everyone here at @@@ kind of excited, and um, we ate our lighting manager, Rocco Sabatini.
3. You know, the people who write headlines for oil prices are probably bored out of their minds. How many ways can you say that oil hits a new high? It’s like saying there are a record number of guys wearing man purses. We know. Just give us a number.
4. Some scientists believe that life on Earth may have begun far earlier than previously thought. They found tiny slivers of diamond created soon after the birth of our planet that contain DNA from… Queen Elizabeth. You thought I was going to say “John McCain”, didn’t you? Well, in honor of the 4th of July, I’m sticking it to the Brits today.
5. Some astronomers are now disputing when the Roman general Julius Caesar landed in Great Britain. The original theory said that it was August 26 and 27, but scientists now say that’s impossible, because that’s when the new television season began.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
7/1
1. Starbucks says it will close about 600 stores this year. And that’s just on my block.
2. A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
3. French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been caught on video complaining that a TV technician didn’t return his hello. The matter over the technician’s rudeness was resolved, however, when Sarkozy was reminded that he was in France.
4. Yesterday, Nelson Mandela was finally taken off the United States’ terrorist watch list. Excuse me, we’ve been keeping an eye on Nelson Mandela?! Do you think we might be able to spare some of the guys watching a 90-year-old civil rights icon, and transfer them to the, oh I don’t know, Osama Bin laden watch?! Who else do we have on the terrorist watch list? Gandhi? Spongebob? How big is this list? Am I on this list? [Wave at audience.] Are some of you here to watch me? [Point to someone specific.] It’s you, isn’t it? You’re watching me.
5. With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”
2. A new study by Consumer Reports has ranked the best sunscreens. The top sunscreen, as always, was shade. Followed closely by hats. I really thought hats had a shot this year, but it’s tough to beat shade.
3. French President Nicolas Sarkozy has been caught on video complaining that a TV technician didn’t return his hello. The matter over the technician’s rudeness was resolved, however, when Sarkozy was reminded that he was in France.
4. Yesterday, Nelson Mandela was finally taken off the United States’ terrorist watch list. Excuse me, we’ve been keeping an eye on Nelson Mandela?! Do you think we might be able to spare some of the guys watching a 90-year-old civil rights icon, and transfer them to the, oh I don’t know, Osama Bin laden watch?! Who else do we have on the terrorist watch list? Gandhi? Spongebob? How big is this list? Am I on this list? [Wave at audience.] Are some of you here to watch me? [Point to someone specific.] It’s you, isn’t it? You’re watching me.
5. With higher gas prices, more Americans say that exploring for new energy is more important than conservation. Surprise, surprise. “Yeah, people should really conserve, but I just bought an SUV, and on the trains you have to share seats with other human beings, so please drill for more oil, PLEASE! PLEASE! I NEED MY HIT!! DRILL IN BABY FUR SEALS IF YOU HAVE TO!!!”
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