4/1

1. In Russia today, an explosion occurred inside a statue of Lenin [pictured above]. Police still don’t know what caused it, but my guess is Taco Bell.

2. A major White House scientist says that Earth has probably exceeded its population limit. That's why the Space Shuttle landing strip has that sign reading: “Occupancy by more than 6 billion persons is considered dangerous and unlawful.” Bouncers are already saying they might have to send the astronauts back up until someone down here dies.

3. So did you hear this news that General Motors and Chrysler have finally put together a real plan to turn themselves around and make fuel-efficient cars that people will love? April Fool’s!

4. The new Miss Universe visited Guantanamo Bay and described it as “calm and beautiful” and that she “didn’t want to leave”. You know, if you don’t want to leave... that can be arranged.

5. I read that demonstrators in London launched missiles at banks. Then I found out what the “missiles” were: coins and computer keyboards. Apparently I throw missiles in my office too.