4/25

1. Ten cases of swine flu have been discovered in the United States. Now Swine flu is apparently a mix of human, pig, and bird flus. I think the next big flu is going to be flu flu. “This is a strain of flu that infects the flu. Flu flu been decimating the flu. We‘re very worried about the flu population.”

2. Salaries on Wall Street are now approaching the same levels as last year. I guess it’s time for those special payment packages called “golden parachutes”. Because a parachute made out of gold would not work.

3. You know Susan Boyle [show picture]? A new video has emerged that shows her singing in a bar when she was 25. Can we see some video of that? [Show the video, but superimpose an image of Angelina Jolie singing.] Well, that Scottish weather is obviously not so good for the skin.

4. A new report says that dogs can smell cancer on people’s breath. You know, I don’t think dogs should really be talking about human breath. Dogs don’t even mind toilet water on their breath. How are they going to pick up cancer?

5. A woman in Switzerland was fired when co-workers noticed that she was using Facebook even though she said that she was too “ill” to use a computer. She said that she had a migraine. Yeah, that’s what I said about finding my wife in bed with another guy.