1. Doctors have developed new tests to better show where back pain is coming from. For example, I had no idea where my back pain was coming from, but then these new special cameras were able to pinpoint it. Can we look at that? [Show x-ray picture of @@@ with a large man clinging to his back.] I had no idea!
2. Hundreds of people in Iowa gathered yesterday to protest the legalization of gay marriage. Many of them had prearranged to wear red shirts [show photo], although there was some confusion today when the person washing the red shirts used a little too much bleach [show photo of all the protestors wearing pink shirts]. Yeah, have to plan that a little more carefully.
3. A British team exploring the Arctic is running into a lot of problems, mainly due to a device they’re using called “Sprite”. Well, of course they’re having problems! Everyone knows you should use Coca-cola! Sprite can’t withstand that harsh climate, while Coca-cola is designed to withstand a nuclear holocaust.
4. Kim Jong Il, the leader of North Korea, has recently appeared in public for the first time since he underwent major surgery to keep him alive. Can we see the footage of him now? [Show footage of Darth Vader.]
5. A town in Missouri just re-elected its mayor, even though he died several weeks ago from a heart attack. They figured that in these times, they need someone who can talk to God directly.
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