4/24

1. In Japan, a major pop star was found naked and drunk in a park last night. He was originally a member of the pop group SMAP, which apparently stands for Showing My Ass Publicly.

2. Have you heard about this German couple who abandoned their kids at a pizzeria in Italy because they ran out of money? Yeah, I’ve been there, but my local pizza place won‘t let me pay with my kids. Police eventually found the couple hiding in the woods. Wow, in German fairy tales it’s usually the other way around -- the kids get left in the woods and the parents go back to the warm building.

3. The President of Paraguay, who has already admitted to fathering at least one child while still a priest, has now been accused of fathering two more. He explained that he thought the name of the country required it -- “Pair of Guay”. In the Vatican, people were just thankful he was sleeping with adult women.

4. The government is privately giving out the results of its bank stress tests. They say they are doing this to give the public time to understand the tests. I think it’s to give the banks enough time to handle their panic attacks.

5. In Spain, the unemployment rate has hit 17%. Man, if you want to feel better about life in the United States, just look at that. If the unemployment rate was 17% in the United States, there would be riots in the streets.