4/11

1. Did you know that billions of dollars in refunds are waiting for people who haven’t filed tax returns? Billions! One investment banker didn’t quite get it, though. He said that more Americans might be willing to take their refunds if Obama didn’t make them give up their private jets.

2. The Obama family finally picked a new puppy. White House staff said the dog is now in the care of the Kennedys’ dog trainers at a secret location outside Washington. That should make the right wing happy -- the Kennedys have a secret compound just outside Washington. Or as it’s known in canine circles -- the secret brainwashing camp. “Jimmy came back from there and he was a different dog. Fetch, stay, sit! He couldn’t even lick his own genitals without a command.”

3. The big hit at the box office this weekend was the Hannah Montana movie. Exit polling showed that 80 percent of the audience were female, 15% were extremely dazed fathers, and 5% were registered sex offenders.

4. There was recently a lingerie show in India. Can we see some shots of that? [Show women in big full-length saris.] Pretty racy! I think I saw an ankle in there. No, it was a real lingerie show. Unfortunately, the women can now never get married.

5. The Taliban burned ten trucks of cement headed for Western forces in Afghanistan. Because sidewalks are the work of the devil! Because they lead to hopscotch! Which leads to girls learning how to count! It’s all a plot!